Monday, April 16, 2018

We Are All Doomed

The main strategy behind all human progress – and I’m not exaggerating here – the most powerful idea we have is that I can share a fact with you, and you will know that fact, but I don’t lose the fact by sharing it. Education is theoretically unlimited. Knowledge can spread all over the world, eventually. The smartest people throughout our history can lift us all up to the stars.

And there’s just one problem with this.
The idiots are winning.

Stupidity is stronger than intelligence. Jackasses are the hardiest things on the planet, right next to roaches and styrofoam.

When we finally destroy ourselves, smart people and sort of smart people, and even people of limited intelligence will die. But real industrial-grade imbeciles all over the world are going to go outside, look up into the sky with those nukes going off, and each one of them is just going to get himself a nice tan.

Stupidity is like a super-power. It spreads fast and far, and it defeats intelligence and wit every single time.

You don’t believe me?

Watch someone smart debating someone stupid on the Internet.

That happens every day. And every day the smart person loses.

I read an argument on Twitter in which a person claimed that this prehistoric sea creature called the Megalodon still existed. It was still swimming around off some island, she claimed, and she didn’t have a link to the story, or a photo, or a scientific report, or any data or evidence whatsoever, but she was sure she was right. There was a huge blowup about it, and eventually the fight included two people with actual PhDs in related fields of biological science, and they’d spent years of study learning about how we know, absolutely know, that creatures like the megalodon are extinct. But they couldn’t convince this person, because she had some opinions and an iPhone, lol.

And at one point the PhDs wanted proof, and she said she wouldn’t provide that proof, because then – I’m serious here – then the government would go into the ocean and kill them all, just like they already did with the mermaids.

She claimed there had been a mermaid genocide.

Now, we all want to laugh at that woman. We do. But she won. She won that fight. The power of her idiocy was majestic and awe-inspiring, and it crushed those two poor highly-educated academics. It destroyed them completely.

Because they had used all their combined experience to spend a sizable chunk of their time talking about mermaid genocide and whether prehistoric creatures need to be hidden from the government. They wasted their time. That’s pretty dumb. See?

They didn’t make her smarter.

She made them dumber.

Seeing that made me realize we’re done as a nation. Maybe we’re done as a species.

We landed on the moon, and invented rock and roll and GIFs of hamsters throwing themselves off their exercise wheels. We had a great run. But it’s over. America is sitting in a shopping cart and one of its friends – probably Britain – gave it a push and now it’s rolling through the parking lot, faster and faster, and we’re headed for the exit, out to the road where there’s heavy traffic, and we’ve got too much momentum to stop.

We have a box of Twinkies in our lap, and I’m saying, just go ahead and eat every Twinkie you can cram into your mouth, because in two seconds it’s going to be ugly.

There are too many idiots, and they can claim that 9/11 was a controlled demolition, or vaccines give your kid autism, or that climate scientists are faking all their data to get that sweet, sweet United Nations funding, because we all know how rich grad students in climate science departments are… they’re like rappers.

Donald J. Trump ran for president. Of the United States. That happened. He went from reality show star to conspiracy theorist to president… And you probably remember that after the election you heard a specific message from his supporters… They told reporters, and they announced it on social media.

This is what they said:

All those liberal elitists don’t respect us. They don’t have any respect for us at all. Well, we showed them.

And whenever I heard or read that message this is how I translated it:

I’m going to stand here and hit myself in the genitals with a hammer. 
Until you people take me seriously.

And I always think, “That might be awhile.”
And in fact Trump basically ran on a platform that we would all be better off if Americans just hit themselves in the genitals with hammers.

I’m paraphrasing, of course.

He didn’t use those exact words. But that was the gist of his message. Look, if he gets to say Barack Obama was a secret Kenyan Muslim who snuck into Trump Tower and tapped his phone lines, I get to paraphrase.

Are you upset? Do you think your government failed you? Why don’t you show them all who’s boss by mutilating your crotch with a carpenter’s tool?

I’m no political expert, but I didn’t think this would work. And the people who were experts… they didn’t think it’d work either. It was ridiculous. Normally a guy like Fareed Zakaria wouldn’t even have to talk about it.  But he did. Other CNN reporters joined him, and MSNBC got into it, and the country is filled with people who will believe anything as long as CNN and MSNBC tell them it’s not true. Anything.

Then Lindsay Graham would say he got hurt once riding a bicycle, and he didn’t like it. That’s a very weak criticism of Trump, but the people on Morning Joe treated him like he was Patrick Henry.
Meanwhile Trump himself would get interviewed by conservatives who wanted to clean him up and make him more presentable, and they’d ask him friendly questions, like “When you talked about hammering your own junk, you were being metaphorical, right?” And Trump would say, “No, I really, literally mean we’re all going to go to our garages and get hammers and just smash up our generative organs until America is great again.”

And his poll numbers went up. Always.
They loved him no matter what.

Hillary Clinton would put out a 20-point plan for restarting the Mideast peace process and columnists would pick it apart, because it wasn’t perfect, but at no point did any of us really, seriously compare that plan to injuring yourself in the gonads.

We should have. That was really the choice.

And this is basically how Trump won.

This is how idiocy wins. If you say the stupid thing and keep saying it, the smart people will start looking stupid. Only they won’t look like they’re doing it as well as you can.

People try to scare me with stories in the news about how Vladimir Putin flooded Twitter and Facebook with an army of Russian spies and bots disguised as ordinary Americans.

That doesn’t scare me at all. I wish I could believe that every Nazi frog I met online was a Russian spy or bot disguised as an ordinary American. I wish all the people who said Hillary Clinton was running a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor were foreigners. We could deal with that. I could deal with that.

The thing that paralyzes me with terror is that far too many of those mouth-breathers actually were ordinary Americans.

We obsess over home-grown terrorists.

What we really need to be concerned about are home-grown idiots.

Because they do more damage. They do. They’re unplugging the government, ignoring weather disasters, taking guns into Fuddruckers, and they just gave a semi-literate gameshow host control of our nuclear arsenal.

And sometimes smart people say it was more complicated than that. That’s what smart people often do. An establishment Republican talking himself into voting Trump because maybe a chaos agent will shake up the government in a good way is like a PhD spending part of his day debating mermaid genocide.

The weakness of smart people is that they gravitate to new and interesting ideas, and they give those ideas the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes an idea is new and interesting because all the people who tried it before are dead.

Smart people can outwit themselves.
Idiots are winning, because an idiot never outwits himself.
That’s why. That’s the sad truth.

If we survive the next couple of years without blowing ourselves up and this administration vacates the office, and we put the next group in… the idiots will still be with us.

And if we don’t survive, the halfwits and paste-eaters will all walk out of their houses, blinking in the gloom caused by the nuclear winter they don’t believe in, and they’ll all say…
“I am so, so mad that Hillary’s emails let this happen.”

I just hope I’m smart enough so that I won’t be around.

WE ARE ALL MADE OF TRUMP: HEARTWARMING STORIES FROM THE END OF THE WORLD is an all-new collection of funny, bizarre Trump tales - Now with 20% more collusion!

Monday, October 2, 2017

A Message From The Roaches

I'm starting a podcast with readings of my best stuff. Give it a listen.

Here's a link to the podcast itself.

WE ARE ALL MADE OF TRUMP: HEARTWARMING STORIES FROM THE END OF THE WORLD is an all-new collection of funny, bizarre Trump tales - Now with 20% more collusion!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

A Message To America From A Nuclear Missile In Flight

What’s up, peeples?

I’m a nuclear Agni-V ICBM. I don’t have a lot of time to chat, because I’m approaching my terminal phase, and there is a lot to do with radar jammers and multiple warheads and such. I get stressed just thinking about it. Not as stressed as the folks down there, of course, but everyone has their own problems, right?

I wanted to explain something: Donald Trump did not just go crazy one day and launch a bunch of me into the air trying to kill everyone. Sometimes you hear silly arguments like that. Folks watch too many movies and TV shows, and they think I’m going to be part of a big wave of death that wipes out all life one afternoon.

It’s frustrating! Who wouldn’t want to be part of The Day After? But I tell myself, “You do you, Aggy. Just because people don’t understand how nuclear war works doesn’t mean you’re any less awesome.” That makes it better, I guess.

What happened is that the leader of North Korea said that certain military maneuvers by the South were “unacceptable,” and that he’d “respond with force.” The US president was in the middle of a Twitter fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the TV was on in the room, and he only caught the gist of what was going on.

He responded immediately, writing: “If Kim opposes me, he’ll regret it.”

The news ran wild with this, and the NSC advisor, the STRATCOM commander, and the Secretaries of State and Defense all got on the phone with our allies in the Pacific – they did this to calm things down, mind you – and told them that the president wasn’t really in control of our nuclear forces, and any instructions that came from the Oval would probably get vetted a dozen times before they went through.

The problem with this message is that it spread to everyone, and soon strategic planners all over the region – heck, all over the world – began to realize that any bad actor who knew about this would have an increased temptation to launch a preemptive strike knowing that US response time would be delayed.

Which is nuts, right? Because the US maintains a second strike capability that makes it completely moot whether our response comes in 20 minutes, or 20 hours, or three weeks.

But the real question was, were there any heads of state or military officers crazy enough to take this chance? No one could say there weren’t. And so because of an irrational statement, followed by an irrational response, followed by an attempt to restore rationality, communicated to other rational actors who had to assume irrational actors were possible, within a week every major nuclear power was at its own version of DEFCON 2.

Then came the radar anomaly on a Pakistani screen. Was it a flock of birds? A sunspot? Maybe the Pakistani computers didn’t update Windows? No one knew. But it was followed by rushed preparations, a missed phone call, and then a limited launch between that country and my own.

This isn’t even World War Three, okay? We’re not there yet. We’re going to kill about a billion people, and then everyone will stop. But the paranoia will increase for a few years, and it will make the next limited launch much more likely. That’s my job. Not to end all human life now, but to smooth the way for a 30-year slide into oblivion, after you throw in a few ecological disasters. It’s not as dramatic as you thought. I’m just helping out.

(The only contest is with yourself, Aggs. You’re not playing against those Russian missiles. We have plenty of those. The question is, can you be the best version of you? Can you? Because that’s the victory.)

Okay, Donald Trump’s complete lack of experience and self-control will definitely play a major role in all this. But not in that way your coworker was giving you a hard time about. The lesson here might be that everything is a lot more complicated than you realize. The dangers are further away, but they’re also hidden. Maybe it would have been better to put a grownup in the big chair.

So, you’re kind of half-right. Partial credit.

Do you feel better?

Well… gotta fly!

This is from WE ARE ALL MADE OF TRUMP: HEARTWARMING STORIES FROM THE END OF THE WORLD, which is an all-new collection of funny, bizarre Trump tales. Now with 20% more collusion! YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Sean Spicer's New Job

We’ve been over this, and I stand by my previous statements. I was clear about these ridiculous charges. I am not Sean Spicer.

You need to drop this. I’ve answered all your questions about it. I’m not Spicer! I don’t see the need to take off my costume to satisfy everyone who badgers me in a parking lot.

No, I can’t “just remove the head.” The head is the whole point. I’m within sight of the playground, which means the client might see me – it’s an industry standard practice. A smart journalist should know that. I have no idea what research you’ve done, but I’m Spencer Schute, and I’m an educational entertainer, okay? I never would have talked to you, but I thought you were someone who might want to hire me for a birthday or a playdate.

And I’m not hiding! Get that straight. I have the third most successful solo practice in this line of work in Council Bluffs, Iowa. I’ve been seen by hundreds of kids and their parents. Does that sound like someone who’s trying to stay under the radar? Everyone knows me.

You’re just repeating yourself now. People like dealing with Sammy the Science Skink, and it gets them excited to learn about all their animal friends in the state’s ecosystem. It’s perfectly legal to appear in public, conduct business, and operate a motor vehicle while wearing any apparel, equipment, or costume necessary for one’s chief employment as long as eyesight, hearing, or movement is not restricted. That’s state law.

Fine. People don’t see my face. What does that prove? What does that prove really? That I’m a successful businessman who can think on his feet and answer rapid-fire questions in a high-pressure environment? That I’m responsible and personable, and I love what I do?

You should write a story about that. That’s a story worth writing about. Instead all you journalists do is tear everything down and trip people up. This Sean Spicer you’re talking about? This guy who worked for the White House? Yeah, well, I bet he’s pretty sick of your questions too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help some young people learn about photosynthesis.

More exciting tales like this appear in... 
WE ARE ALL MADE OF TRUMP: HEARTWARMING STORIES FROM THE END OF THE WORLD, which is an all-new collection of funny, bizarre Trump fiction.
Now with 20% more collusion! YOU CAN BUY IT HERE

Friday, July 28, 2017

My New Book - WE ARE ALL MADE OF TRUMP - Is On Sale

A cheery warning from a severed thumb. A man hidden deep beneath the earth who looks suspiciously like Sean Spicer. Paul Ryan’s hideous secret friends. An ancient curse, a nuclear missile with an inferiority complex, an alt-right cure for erectile dysfunction, and all the ways Steve Bannon will try to keep from killing you with his bare hands.

This is a sunny collection of tales about the misfit world surrounding our president... and the hilarious and deadly places we’re headed. It’s a book of scams and apocalypses, chuckles and doom, and you know it will happen, all of it, very soon.

SMASHWORDS (for iBooks, pdf, pdb, and many other formats)

Also... I now have a page with links to my other books about America in the Trump era in case you want to check out State of Fear and Trump Tales of Terror.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

My Latest Collection Of Horror Stories Will Be Free On Monday And Tuesday

State of Fear is my most recent collection of short horror fiction, and it will be available for free on Amazon starting Monday. 

Here's what the inestimable Frank Moraes of Frankly Curious has to say about the work:

His approach is to inject you with a slow-acting neurotoxin until you’re afraid to move. He combines the Victorian ghost story’s precision with a postmodern sensibility. The writer and reader are partners. Bibeau rarely comes right out and tells you anything. He renders. What Ana├»s Nin was for erotica, Paul Bibeau is for horror.

Please read the rest of the review. And look for the book Monday!

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, March 13, 2017

"Some Of The Trumps Are Fake," By Donald Trump

My fellow Americans: As you know I am changing the system. Draining the swamp! And because of that we face a hard fight from those who want to stop us. The enemies of the people – the media and the corrupt bureaucrats of the deep state –  are attacking us the only way they know... With lies and fake news.

And so I have a disturbing truth to share.

Some of the Trumps are fake.

When you see me on TV or hear audio of my voice, now and in the future, you should make sure you’re actually watching or listening to the real Donald Trump, and not some imposter created by the media to discredit me.

If you watch TV, and all my supporters do, you know they can make amazing things happen with special effects. People in the CIA, or the NSA, working with CNN and the America-hating left... they have technology to create fake recordings and false images of me. They might even forge copies of my signature on legal and business documents. You know they wouldn't hesitate to do this. Don't be fooled!

Making a phony Donald Trump say or do things that might embarrass our movement and stop us from making America great again… That wouldn’t be hard at all.

I don’t want to name a specific example, because then they’ll just find ways to lie. You know this. But you can already guess the times you saw me or heard me, and it was only a media hoax. You know the Trumps that weren’t real.

We have to stick together.

From now on, ask yourself… Am I seeing Donald J. Trump on an official White House or Breitbart video presentation? Or is he being shown to me by Jake Tapper, or other people I can't trust with evidence of any kind, even if it's filed as an exhibit in a criminal case?

Ask yourself: Am I seeing the Donald J. Trump I know? The one who only wants to make America great again? Or does this Donald Trump seem different, doing things and saying things he would never do or say?

Ask yourself: Is this the Donald J. Trump I believe in? Because if it isn’t the Trump you believe in, it’s probably not me, is it? That just makes sense!

Be careful, because you may be seeing more fake Trumps soon. The elite media may flood the networks with what they will call disturbing examples of corruption or possibly treason. None of it is real.

And since many of the Trumps themselves are fake, you know that it's only a small step to realize that they can fake Trump supporters as well. These could be people you meet on Twitter or Facebook  - maybe even people you thought were your friends or family. And they'll act like they used to be supporters of mine, but now they're beginning to doubt the things I say. Don't trust them! They're paid performers. (Yes, even the ones in your own home. Do you think George Soros wouldn't do something like that to destroy us?)

It might come sooner than we expect, and I want you to be ready.

Only I am real. Believe me.

God bless America. The real America. You know who you are, don't you?

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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