Wednesday, October 26, 2016

We Have To Get Daycare For This Militia

Gentlemen, I don't have to tell you we're in a grave crisis. Hillary Clinton and George Soros are two weeks away from locking down this election with oversampled polls, a compliant media, and rigged voting machines. They're going to act quickly to put a globalist regime in place, which means we have to launch Operation Artichoke within days. And that brings us to daycare.

Hoplite's twins aren't even three yet, and his wife made manager at her job - congrats, buddy. Anyway all the childcare falls on him, and that's why he's been bringing Porter and Parker to weapons and tactics on weekday mornings. I know there's been some grumbling about them - maybe from people who have daughters, so they don't understand the mischief boys can...

I'm not blaming you, Cyclops. I'm not the enemy here - the international banking cartels and their gun grabbing army are the ones you've got to fight. I'm just saying that Stacy was always mature for her age, and she liked her coloring books, and... Look, we loved having her, but boys are different. Don't blame Hoplite. He was trying to make the best of a bad situation. We're sorry they got apple juice on your manifesto. I know you don't like computers because of the NSA. But maybe get a couple of hard copies next time, and stash one away. You don't need to carry all your documents with you.

We're getting off track though. Let me bottom line it. We have to get some kind of group babysitting arrangement in place, and we should do it before we start making anti-FEMA drills around the chokepoints of the city. I'm passing out a rotation - each one of us takes three days at a time watching Stacy, the twins, as well as Ghost Warrior's daughter, Haley. Whenever Paladin has custody, we're going to watch them as well. This allows us to keep this solid block of time, before we all go back to work on our resumes and get dinner ready.

I know it's not fair, okay? I know not all of us have young children. My kids are in high school, so I don't even see them that often. But we don't leave a man behind in this unit. We cover each other's flanks. Damnit, when I had to take Braden to regional soccer Cyclops was the one running the training sessions for me - and that was during Jade Helm! We do what we have to do. The priority is to keep this schedule alive. I know you're tempted to start meeting at night when our wives come back from work, but you know all the chores are going to get in the way. Our attendance will get spotty, and then we'll cut down on the meetings... and pretty soon we'll be like those slackers over at 3P Citizen's Watch. They meet once every other week, and most of the time people cancel just so they can sit at home playing XBox and crap like that. When the balloon goes up we are not going to be able to count on them, guys.

We need to stay focused, hard, and battle-ready. And that means making this daycare happen. Agreed? Good.

By the way, thanks for the scones, Guardian. They're delicious.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Donald Trump Bragged About His Endorsement From The Bay Of Pigs Veterans Association

I write what I feel, people. TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

"I'm The One Behind #Wikileaks" By Hillary Clinton

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Hey, guys. How about this campaign, huh? What a ride! Sure there were a couple of bumpy moments. But we're on our way to the big seat now, and Donald Pumpkins ends this thing hawking gold coins on cable. Sad! Ha.

Anyway I'm behind Wikileaks. I'm the hacker, bitches. I did it, framed the Russians, and then I had Katy Perry deliver the thumb drive to the embassy for creepy ol' Whitesnake to put on his website while he fends off charges. (Is Julian Assange terrifying to look at, or what? I don't want to judge men by their appearance, but that guy seems like he ought to be giving candy to kids near a bus station men's room.)

Some of you are shocked. You shouldn't be. Give it a think, and consider what it gets me:

1. It keeps the media busy. No matter how badly Donald J. Trump screws up, the guys over at Politico have to keep showing that they're willing to go after me as well, just for balance. It doesn't matter that Trump's talking about rounding up Muslims and starting a war in North Korea; everyone has to spend equal time talking about how I coughed last week. Is that fair? No. But nothing is fair for a working girl. Anyway, getting a big pile of stolen information out in the open keeps them scrambling to publish one story after another... and I already know what the stories are going to be. See how that works? Kind of disappointed you people missed the angle. But you don't get to be Commander Nasty without thinking a few moves ahead.

2. It makes the Trumpkins crazy. The worst thing for a conspiracy theorist is to discover an actual fact. They go insane over it. It's like chumming the water around a few dozen tiger sharks. You give them a little bit of detail, and what happens? They're out there on Twitter and Facebook trying to convince their friends and family that every time John Podesta had a conference call it was so he could help the Fed put tracking chips in your Lucky Charms. They sound angry and unhinged, and the fact that their niece with the big H on her profile doesn't care makes them even more angry and unhinged. Nothing sells a seventh Clinton term like Trumpkins frothing and ripping their hair out.

Did I say seventh term? Just kidding.

3. It makes regular people shrug. Underneath this mountain of evidence... behind all the scoops by all the papers... all the rants, the accusations, the TV gum-flapping, and breathless nothing by that high school friend of yours who thinks Alex Jones is a chubby redneck Jesus... What have you learned? What do normal people take away from all this? They learn that I'm smart, and a control freak, and I'm devious as a squirrel trying to get out of a crawlspace. They learn, friends and neighbors, that I'm a politician. But regular people knew all this thirty years ago.

So I'm good at what I do, unlike a certain loudmouth who makes all his mistakes with the cameras running. More and more, his flaws look dangerous. More and more, mine look pretty innocuous by comparison. And comparison is all you have in an election.

Of course, you could vote for Jill Stein, but she also works for me. It's complicated. Anyway, enjoy Halloween, and we'll chat again in November. I think when this is over I'm going to have the NSA break into Trump's channel so I can watch it for free in the Oval. He is not well, and it's sort of entertaining. It's almost as if I'm producing a reality show, and he's the star. Or the victim. And either way, he doesn't have a clue. It's almost like that, I said. It's not what I'm literally doing. Promise.

Be seeing you.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Why Are You Voting For #JillStein?

I spent the day exploring the reasons people might be voting for the Green Party nominee:

Why are you voting for Jill Stein? Please write in with your answers, and reach out to me on Twitter! It's where I usually rant.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

FiveThirtyEight Is A Real-Time Barometer Of How Many Truly Awful People Live In America

As I write this, the US population is 318.9 million, and right now -- according to Nate Silver's blog, FiveThirtyEight -- about 39.2% of those people are monsters. That's about 125 million bigots walking around grabbing at each other's genitals and spitting on children in this country. A massive horde of folks who'd sell their families into slavery and swap the US Constitution for jerky and scratch-n-win tickets.

Will this group of what are clearly America's Fredos take over? In a way they already have, because they picked the biggest asshole among themselves and that asshole is a serious contender for the most powerful office in the government. This is partly due to politics within the Republican Party and solid evidence that the Republican Party needs to be outlawed and its members subjected to a McCarthy-style witch hunt until Paul Ryan is reduced to hiding in someone's basement and crapping in a bucket.

Anyway Nate Silver is trying to figure out whether the bad guys can pull off their idgit Apocalypse, and God bless him for it, even though honestly, sometimes I wish he'd stop, because my stomach lining can't take this. Nate says that they currently have between a 12% and 17% of seizing power and starting a racist crackdown against every group that doesn't match their genetic ideal, which is Steve Bannon, who resembles a giant bleached garden slug. Some of you think I'm exaggerating. I am not.

Their chances vary from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. The reason for this is because our electoral college system gives the Nazis and klansmen in some states more power to influence a presidential race than the people scheming to refight the Civil War in other states.

Right now Florida is the state most likely to cast the decisive vote in the election. We're in luck because 49.1% of Floridians are decent and halfway intelligent people, and they make up for the 45.1% of the state who literally shouldn't receive CPR, because they'd just use their second chance at life to murder women and Latinos, and probably imprison Muslim citizens as well. So Florida's holding on, but just barely. Pennsylvania, another electoral powerhouse, has a wider margin between dignified human beings and the Wehrmacht LARPers who want to ruin it for the rest of us. Ohio has a thinner line between the decent and the depraved, and so does Iowa.

Just a few states, and the margins aren't that big.

The problem is - and here's where FiveThirtyEight really becomes terrifying when you check it every fifteen minutes, like I do - there seems to be a small but significant number of people in the middle who jump from camp to camp depending on the latest gossip on Politico, the weather, the color of Wolf Blitzer's tie, their fantasy football team, their bowels, and who knows or cares what other factors.

How do you not grasp that one of the two candidates is a complicated, flawed, but nonetheless qualified politician with years of experience, and the other is a racist reality show clown? How do you not see the difference between real policy ideas and a jumble of catchphrases from 1980's action films? It's understandable that some people are good and some are clearly just terrible... but how can you be on the fence about whether there's a difference? I don't get it, but it's a fact of math and history. The sort who stay home, don't follow the world around them... the kind of people who believe in personal angels, Scientology, or that Jill Stein is a credible choice actually exist in enough numbers to matter.

This is why Nate's figures are jumping. The most morally deformed people in the country are trying to get total control, and the only thing that stands in their way are the disconnected, the ignorant, and the deluded. And at any moment some of these fools playing pickle with catastrophe are either stumbling toward it, or moving away, but without knowing how or why.

So this election's not all that different from the others, when you think about it.

It just might be the last.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Donald #Trump Confesses To Bank Robbery

Donald Trump's on a video bragging about all the stuff he's accomplished, and naturally the conversation turns to bank robbery.

"Yep, I've totally knocked over some banks," he says. "It's easy. No one minds, when you're a star."
You can see Billy Bush on the video chuckling appreciatively.
Later Trump is running for president, and this video surfaces. Some of his supporters pretend to be shocked. Some say this bank robbery confession is just "guy talk." One or two actually defend taking money from a financial institution at gunpoint.
"It's not even a felony," Ann Coulter tells Hannity. "What kind of liberal bullshit is this?"

During the next debate Anderson Cooper confronts Trump about it.

"I made crude statements, and I apologized," Trump says.
"Did you rob any banks?" Anderson asks.
"This is guy talk. Everyone knows about what this is."
"Yes, but did you actually rob any banks though?"
Trump pauses.

Bank managers across the country check their records. Many uncover unsolved robberies where an orangey troll-like figure entered the facility in question, disabled the security cameras, and made off with thousands of dollars.

It's pretty convenient that you're all saying this now, while there's an election going. That's the argument from Trump supporters. The bank managers explain that Trump's famously litigious and powerful, and they didn't think they'd be believed.

"We're coming forward now, because now he's on video bragging about it," they add. "He's actually bragging about the crime witnesses say he committed."

Trump supporters are not convinced. Trump says that the bankers themselves are part of a global conspiracy against him. He says they're ugly as well, which seems excessive.

But some people start noticing how often Trump would talk about how "sexy" felony robbery is. He seemed obsessed with it.

"No one is braver than a guy who robs banks," he wrote in Art of the Deal. Trump surrogates say this is just evidence of his "colorful" style.

"I think bank robbery isn't a real crime, y'know?" He's on video from Season 3 of The Apprentice telling a contestant this. His surrogates say this is because he's "not PC."
Staffers at his company come forward with stories of Trump mapping getaway routes, checking the FBI website, and telling people how much he liked the film about John Dillinger. That doesn't convince his supporters either. At this point Paul Ryan admits that the Republican nominee is "probably a wanted criminal," and says he won't run with him, speak for him, or lend him money... but then says he's still endorsing him for president.

More bank managers come forward. A lot more. Their stories are different, but they all involve Donald Trump. None of these people have a reason to lie. And bank robbery, let's not forget, is a crime.

How many will we see? Let's find out.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Friday, October 14, 2016

"The #Trump Temple In Guyana Is Going To Be Fantastic, Believe Me"

You know it was a fraud. A fraud! It was a disgrace, what happened - part of the rigged system I've been telling you about since I beat those losers in the primaries, and the Clinton machine went to the media - including the New York Times, which is an embarrassing paper by the way, the way it's losing readers. And they decided to attack me with hit pieces. It was a smear campaign organized by international bankers. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Don't you?

But we're going to keep fighting. Yes. We're going to keep fighting and make America great again. It is amazing the way people all over this country are coming up to me and saying, "You can't give up. You're the only one who can fix this." They say this all the time.

That's why we're building the Trump Temple in a resort area in Guyana, and I want you to come so we can plan to take back America. Listen, I go all over the world, and I pick the classiest beaches, the most beautiful golf courses... I pick only the best. Always the best! So you can bring your family, and we will work together to make this country the kind of place where people like you can be free again. This should be a country for winners, right? We don't win anymore. And that's why we're doing this.

Come to the Trump Temple in Guyana. All of you. We're going to have a really great rally there with refreshments and everything. It will be huge, a big deal. Believe me.

We'll give everyone a hat.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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