Monday, February 20, 2017

"I Wish I’d Won The Election," By Donald Trump

This administration’s a total disaster! It’s everything I warned people about. Hillary packed the cabinet with bankers and lobbyists, and they’re betraying regular Americans.

If I were president, it would all be different, believe me.

In some ways it’s even more awful than we feared. I knew Hillary would pick a corrupt team, but her NSC advisor actually got kicked out for secret negotiations with the Russians. We’re only a month into this thing, and she’s already made a sleazy deal with the Chinese, and one of her staffers was on TV trying to push products for a family business.

This is exactly what my supporters – who are the best people, really – wanted me to get rid of. And if I’d won the election instead of her this terrible administration would be nothing but a bad dream.

I came so close. And so many people come up to me now, and they say, “You got more of the popular vote. Why didn’t they let you in?” I have to explain about this crooked system with its electoral college. They don’t believe it. So Hillary won alright, but now she has no legitimacy. She’s weak. Weak!

She can sit there in the White House having one long meeting after another. (I bet they’re exhausting. I bet she feels like she can’t even breathe, she’s so overwhelmed.) She’s president, but I’m the one they wanted to win. America chose me. And I’m never going to let her forget that.

How sad that the thing Hillary wanted so much… She got it, and it destroyed her. Now she’s so low-rated. But I’m out here with thousands of fans and they will never stop believing in me.

I love these rallies. The people yell things and chant things, and I can always tell what they want to hear, what the truth is, because that’s what they clap for. It’s almost like we’re just thinking the same thoughts at the same time, and you have no idea what a relief it is to feel like you don’t exist, because then you don’t have to doubt or worry that you might get embarrassed by a goddamned woman.

I wish my dad were here. I wish General Patton were here.
But some nights. Out on the stage. Some nights they are. And then General Patton turns to me, and he smiles and says, “If we have a big enough war, no one will ever know she was a bad president.” She. Hillary. Because she’s the one.

We’re going to win someday.

Sure we’re going through hard times. Jared has a lot of work for me to do. So many things to sign. Jared has good ideas. I surround myself with only the best people. He says I should limit my visitors, because of the terrible leaks. There have been false stories about how I can’t focus on the job, or that I yell at people on the phone… or that I sit around all day in a blond wig and an extra-large pantsuit talking to myself in a high-pitched voice as I make blunder after blunder. Fake.

But nothing can break me. Not the liars in the media, or those judges… Nothing.

I won’t fail you America.
That’s the kind of thing Hillary would do.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, February 13, 2017

"Being President Means I Don't Have To Die Alone," By Donald Trump

I think about the end a lot. I guess that's normal for people my age. But now that they've moved me here it's gotten worse. I'm cut off from my friends and from all the things I used to do. Jared said this was for the best - that being at the White House would make it safer and more convenient for me than staying at my own place.

"It's the best assisted living facility in the country, dad," he told me. "It's where Reagan went."

I couldn't argue. Still, sitting here with nothing to do except play Parcheesi and order Special Forces raids... you get a lot of time to dwell on your own mortality. The only thing that makes it good is that I don't have to die alone if I don't want to.

It's probably the best perk of being president, you know? If I feel like I've lived long enough, and my time is near, I can go out with dignity. On my own terms. And with plenty of company.

The thought of dying alone scares all of us, doesn't it? The idea that you disappear forever, get forgotten, and that the rest of the world just continues on with its business - all those people getting married or playing with their kids or having fun without you... just like you never existed. Thank goodness it doesn't have to be that way for me. Not if I don't want it to.

I haven't discussed it with Melania, or Ivanka, but I'm pretty sure they feel the same way. And my supporters would do anything for me. That gives me comfort for the years ahead.

Look at me, rambling on and getting morbid! Anyway, I don't think it's an issue I have to deal with right now. My doctor says I'm in excellent health, and I have a long life to live. I won't need to get serious about any of this unless something drastic happens, like a major illness or my approval rating dropping any further.

No matter what happens though, or when... it's just nice to know I won't be all by myself when I face it.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Read My Posts About #OldManTrump

It started with the story about the bathrobe in the New York Times. Then Politico did a great piece, describing the same man and his struggles with a job that is much too big for him.

The image hit me: Trump as an unwilling resident in the world's most expensive nursing home:

"No One Ever Visits, And I Think The Staff Is Stealing From Me," By Donald Trump

I followed it up with more, if you're interested.

 "I Think I Might Be The Anonymous Source For All Those Trump Articles," by Donald Trump

"I Can't Drive Or Do Foreign Policy After Dark," By Donald Trump

"Being President Means I Don't Have To Die Alone," By Donald Trump

I'm tagged the pieces with the hashtag #OLDMANTRUMP

Enjoy. I personally am getting a lot of mileage out of our country's slide into chaos. But I'd rather have Hillary as president and be writing bad steampunk.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

"Career Prospects Are Pretty Good For Dead-Eyed Sociopaths," By Stephen Miller

I know this Trump gig won't last forever. He's going to lose or get impeached or flee the country or something like that. I can say when exactly, but it's not too far off.

The point is, I'm not worried. As a professional dead-eyed sociopath, I'm pretty much set. Maybe it'll be working PR for a company that poisoned the groundwater of a small town in the Midwest. Maybe it'll be discrediting climate science for the oil industry. Who knows? What's clear is that having the ability to make dangerously false statements over and over while staring at real human beings as if they're store manikins is a talent that people will pay solid money for.

Did Trump hire me because of my complete lack of an ethical compass, and the fact that I seem to have the nervous system of a lamprey? I don't really know. The guy saw talent, though. And it's a talent that almost any major company in Washington will value after this is over.

I'm assuming we won't incinerate the place in a nuclear war. But even if that happened, I'm pretty sure I'd get a place in the bunker. And being a completely soulless tool will probably pay off even better, after the big one. But that's not my primary focus. Right now I just want to keep selling cruel, stupid immigration policies backed up by the kind of conspiracy theories only a guy posting Nazi cartoons on Richard Spencer's Twitter feed believes. We'll figure out the rest when this is done, and Trump is hiding in a non-extradition country.

I do like kids, so I could try to focus my energies there.

Maybe I could help market cigarettes to them. That'd be nice.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

"I Think I Might Be The Anonymous Source For All Those Trump Articles," by Donald Trump

This isn't my fault. I can't golf anymore. I can't go to the rallies or work on my shows. I'm supposed to be running things, but Steve and Jared don't tell me when they have meetings with the generals or that Russian guy who does stuff in Europe for us.

I'm a people person, okay? But I'm stuck here, either in my room, or in the White House common area, where none of the board games have all their pieces, and even the Secret Service say they won't play Monopoly anymore, because of something they accused me of with the Free Parking rules.

Anyway... I'm bored, and I have no one to talk to. So if a guy calls me up on my phone, I'm going to chat with him. It's what people do, right?

Like the other day someone from Verizon - some cute Midwestern-sounding gal - wanted me to go over my cable plan to see if I could save money. She was really friendly! And then there was this guy down in Florida who had an interesting offer about something called a "reverse mortgage." Basically, you can use the equity on your house to get money for living expenses. I have a lot of properties, but I run into cashflow problems from time to time - it's complicated. Anyway, I didn't commit to it, but I gave him some information so he could send me a package.

Also the other day a nice guy from the New York Times called, asking me if I was happy about my work situation. I'm not usually a fan of that paper - I mostly get my news from Morning Joe - but it was good to talk to him. Finally someone cared what I had to say, and he wasn't judgmental or yelling angry stuff about the Constitution or nuclear war. We chatted for some time. I got a lot off my chest about the transition, about how hard the meetings were, and how Steve and I have been having problems. It's like he just wanted to really understand me, you know? When the article came out people got pretty stressed over it. But the guy kept his promise and didn't quote me. It felt kind of cool to be keeping a secret! It reminded me of some stuff I did back in the 80's.

Anyway after that I told myself I'd better be more careful. And I've been pretty good, except for a couple of times someone called from Politico and we talked a bit. I forget the details, but it couldn't have been that important.

Look I know you shouldn't give out information like your credit card numbers, or your address. Jared and I went over that. I'm not stupid. All I've been saying is the kind of stuff about how things work in the West Wing right now.

None of these people I talk to ever sound surprised either. So what harm can it do?

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

"Are You Sure I Didn't Win?" By Conspiracy Theory Hillary

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Hey guys. How are you? I mean how are you, really?

I know this Trump thing is bothering you. The guy is... well, I don't think "train wreck" covers it, because it's not disgusting enough. "Garbage fire" seems better, but then those things don't have the kind of suffering you need to capture it. I guess he's like a train derailing into a sewage plant and then the gas ignites and all the passengers roast alive and it fills the region with a crippling stench for a week and a hazardous waste problem that would turn the place into an EPA Superfund site if a functioning EPA still existed.

Yes. He's like that. How is that thing working out anyway, America?

Now's the part where you wish to God I were in charge. My supporters are getting a grim kind of satisfaction at being right - at having it proven what jackasses Trump's supporters are. And as for the supporters themselves... something is beginning to tell them they fucked up royally. Most won't admit it. But they kind of sense that they're going to have a long four years of making up excuses for stuff you just can't excuse.

Yes, you wish I were running things.
But then again, maybe I am, after all.

Think about it. Every time you see one of my boring old hack establishment friends on TV trying to talk like a grownup about what should be done in Washington, don't you get a warm nostalgic feeling, like running into your favorite teacher at the supermarket? When the foreign leaders I used to hang out with at Davos weigh in, don't they seem smarter and braver and even kind of better looking compared to that freak show over at 1600 Penn? And what about career bureaucrats in the State Department and the CIA? One of those Deep State operatives talks smack about Trump, and suddenly he or she is a rock star.

Right now Donald's got you wishing the entire country could be taken over by globalists and technocrats, doesn't he? A mid-level climate specialist from some think tank in Germany could walk right into the Capitol building, and your average citizen would elect him President Jesus.

And this will only get better. Trump and his goons are going to spend some time throwing furniture around the rooms and lighting themselves on fire, and all these other operators are going to look like the kindest, wisest people in politics by comparison. And who do you think those people answer to?

Who do you think Vladimir Putin answers to?

I knew it would be a tough election. I knew even if I won I'd be facing ugly approval numbers and a Congress dominated by the GOP. I knew Trump might well crack open the Upper Midwest and scoop out enough whole bean vanilla crazy to put him over. So... I thought up a Plan B.

Doesn't knowing I'm out here running the world make you feel better, even though it's kind of scary how plausible this is? Of course it does.

Be seeing you.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

"I Can't Drive Or Do Foreign Policy After Dark," By Donald Trump

Jared's really been chapping my ass, lately. He got together with Steve and Mattis, and they took my keys to the car and the Situation Room away.

"From now on, whenever you want to go anywhere or call a world leader," he said, "you just have to ask one of us, and we'll make sure you can." He had a really smug smile when he said it too. He gets this tone in his voice I'm some kind of disobedient kid. Then he told me I could do those things "anytime before 6 pm" - acting like he was doing me a favor! I'm twice his age, and I'm the leader of the free world after Angela Merkel. Who does he think he is?

"We just don't want you getting into any more trouble," Mattis said, not looking at me.
"Like with that Australian thing," Steve chimed in.

I realized they'd rehearsed all this. Can you believe it?

"What are you trying to do! I'm your boss!"
"Of course you are, dad," Jared said. "We just want to make sure you don't... get hurt or anything." I didn't know how to respond. It's just so tiring sometimes. But who cares if I sometimes get a little cranky or overexerted and start cursing at one of our allies? It's not like we can't smooth those things over later. Aussies always talk like that to each other. I've seen Road Warrior. They're some bad koalas down there.

"Dad," Jared said. "This is in your own best interest. Otherwise Ivanka will worry."

That did it. He knew just which button to push. I agreed. From now on, if there's a war or I need some fudge ripple from the store Steve has to handle it after sundown. Part of me is relieved. I don't keep track of things as well as I used to, back in the old days, in 2016.

Still, if they think I'm going to stop going on Twitter and threatening Iran just before bedtime, they're in for a hell of a shock. That's my "me time." I'm not giving it up for anyone.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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