Monday, November 22, 2010

This is a Death Cult, NOT a Pyramid Scheme

Greetings! Glad you could make it. Your brother Jason told me about some concerns that you had, and I wanted to come out of my mind-connect with the Astartians to address them. As you know, we are waiting for the first Friday in May to arrive at the Four Selected Shoney's franchises where we will take 42 blood sacrifices before shedding our earth bodies. We're all clear on that, right? Everybody's pretty excited to finally meet the Ones Above.

And because of this, we will need certain tools:

AR-15 rifles and ammunition;
24 smoke grenades;
Nylon rope;
Matching jump suits, colored red and green in accordance with the Scriptures of Steve.

There are other items of course, but the point is we are going through the sowing season, and we are now gathering funds for the Shoney's Rite. And to do that we are selling Northprise Beauty and Home Products to friends and relatives. We've been able to raise more than $20,000 in three months alone, and we are about a quarter of the way to our final goal.

Now, most of you understand why selling soaps and scrub brushes from Northprise helps us reach Total Overcoming. But some people are questioning why they have to kick up 20% of their sales to their Peer Leaders. It's simple. I get that. If you've been pounding the sidewalk like Teresa here, and you managed to pull off a $2,000 weekend, you feel like you should be credited for the whole amount. If you've put in the hours that Jason has, calling everyone in his family to sell Norbait Mouse Traps, you want to qualify for that Exalted Red Chair on the Sacrificial Chariot that will carry us beyond the stars. Totally understandable. But unfortunately, that's not what the Scriptures of Steve tell us. They clearly say that the Lowlier Ones will pay the One-In-Five Credits in the Great Sowing Season to their leaders, as a way of honoring their commitment to the sacrifice. I'm taking it right from the book, people.

Look, cementing your relationship with your Peer Leaders is as important as selling Northprise Products. I know we all drive Lincoln Continentals, and once a week I and the Peer Leaders go out for the Time of Sinning at that club. But we do that to keep sanctified. We do that for you.

Look, it's not about making money, folks. It's about making 42 people taste the Wrath of the Sacrifice, and then dying in a shootout with local authorities. Sure, I could tell you to keep your money. It would be easier for all of us, wouldn't it? But then we wouldn't be doing the right thing... Am I right? Am I right? I thought so.

Okay. Now let's get out there and sell some bodyscrub!

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