Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Best Horror of The Onion



I spend a great deal of time trying to explore the boundary between humor and horror. The Onion is one of my inspirations. Some of its funniest stuff is in the realm of the haunted house, the slasher, and the thing under the stairs. The video above is a wonderful example. And below I have compiled 10 pieces that stick with me.

Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson
This is not really even a humor piece. It's pure horror -- The Thing taken out of its Antarctic base and set down in sunny California. But it's also very, very funny. Look at that multicolored train next to that horrible thing in the bag, and see if it doesn't make you giggle in a dark way.

Ah, Great, I Think I Got A Goddamned Monster In My Closet Again
First homework. Now this.

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting
A newspaper cliche becomes a nicely rendered, grim joke.

Monster Undeterred By Night-Light
Even back when you were six, you kind of knew this, didn't you?

Florida Man Beats Out Heart Disease As Nation's No. 1 Killer
"[W]arning signs of the onset of Wayne Ray Thomas, including intense anxiety, shortness of breath, sweating, and a sudden loss of power to the victim's house."

Blood... Blood Everywhere
This is a perfect Cloverfield-style screamfest boiled down to the basics.

Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils
You might see where that would get tiring, right? Maybe you're not Indiana Jones. Maybe you just want to get some real academic work done, and the wraiths get in the way.

Bush Begins Preparations for Nation's Final Year
Admit it. You almost thought that would happen, didn't you? And there's still time.

Dept. of Evil: "All of You Must Die"
I love the goat-headed spokesperson here.

We Accomplish Nothing By Living in Fear of Chuck Woolery
"Even as I write, I know that He Who Hosted Scrabble In The Mid-'80s will read this. He has eyes and hands everywhere. And I, for one, do not mind. I want him to know the fight he is in for."

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