Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Crazy-Eye!: A Celebration

It is everywhere, the Crazy Eye. Pop stars, politicians, criminals -- these are the people who are constantly being videotaped and photographed. And none of them, not one, is wrapped too tightly.

This is something you always knew, but you need reminding. Even the man who plays the nice, down-to-earth guy on your favorite show is one Red Bull away from a Youtube video showing him being tasered by the cops as he screams about Jewish banking interests controlling our Magnesium ore. The Crazy Eye is a reminder of all that. It's a built-in social safety-valve to let us all know that the pretty people you see on your screen aren't real. They look normal, usually. They talk normal. But every once in awhile something slips out. Nature's way of saying: "Don't come too close."

Jennifer Wilbanks (aka The Runaway Bride): She committed a relatively minor crime, but in crazy-eye terms, Wilbanks is an updated Charles Manson. You want to ask her fiance: "How did you not see that shit coming? Look at her!" Now she's out of jail, her groom has married someone else, and Wilbanks is dating again. As a human being, I'm sad. As a media parasite I couldn't be happier.
Tom Cruise: You've seen the Scientology video (And if you haven't, you should. I watch it regularly just to keep my senses honed.) And yes, he's brainwashed and believes in space aliens and stuff like that. But the Crazy Eye transcends all faiths and creeds. If it weren't Scientology it'd just be something else. Crazy Eye is eternal.
Nancy Pelosi: How did this woman run the US Congress for years? She did it by having the power to burst someone's internal organs with a thought.
Tony Little: This man will sell you an exercise machine that will change your life. And if you skip a day or two on that exercise machine he will be there just outside the door with a crowbar and some duct tape, and they will never find you again.
Cindy McCain: This is her only expression, and the makeup just fixes it into place. When you're a politician's wife the one look is all you're allowed. Your spouse could be talking tax policy or confessing to a threeway with Belgian prostitutes, and you never crack up. It creates a permanent, crazy-eye paralysis when cameras are rolling. At night she goes home, gets out the cold cream and turns into Cthulhu.

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