Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Grinch Leaves a Drunken Voicemail Message

Hey. It's me. Uh, Merry Christmas! I know you've got company with your mom's family, and the other Whos. I just wanted to call you and wish you the best. I know we haven't talked since last year. Since the relapse.

Look, I didn't want to talk long. I actually borrowed someone's cell phone, and -- yeah, Trudy I'm leaving the message now, okay? I'm talking right now, Trudy, just gimme a sec-- Oh. Whiskey and soda. Thanks.

Okay, I'm at a bar near O'Hare. I had a sales conference, and I was alone, and... things just got out of hand. I know I have no right to ask you to just go back the way we were, with me sledding down Mount Crumpit and flinging all your gifts back to you and the other Whos. Those days are gone. I understand that. Dr. Prendeman said that the reason I relapsed was that I was addicted to the rush of breaking into everyone's house, stealing Christmas, and then just... giving it all back. I wanted to be the hero. I did it again and again. Thirty four years in a row. And every time that you and the other Whos took me back, it just... It just reinforced my self-destructive thinking.

It's not that my heart is two sizes too small. It's that I have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But I'm working on that. I guess that's what I wanted you to know.

It's all part of the journey I'm on to figure out who I am. Not just a Grinch, who commits crimes to stop the pain inside him -- but as a person. I know you're not going to let me carve the roast beast this year. I accept that. You're all grown now, son, and you have a family of your own.

It would really help my personal growth to know that I could still somehow be in your life. And if you could make a statement to the judge about lifting that restraining order, it would be... (sniff)

It could be the best Christmas ever.

1 comment:

  1. I'd say it's funny cause it's true, but it's... it's just true.


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