Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year! Ignore the Noises from the Locked Room.

Interoffice Memorandum

To: All employees at Karp, MacKenzie, LLC
From: Frank Rust, HR Manager
cc: File

Re: Upcoming events and changes

I am sure all of you are looking forward to an exciting and productive year at Karp Mac! I hope you have a happy (and safe) holiday. You deserve it.

There are going to be some new policies implemented here, and I wanted you to know about them before we kick off 2011.

1) We're getting new laptops! This is something I'm really excited about. Beginning Monday you will have your own PC laptop, and we encourage you to use it to its full potential. Move around the office and find a workstation that's comfortable. Go out to Camille's for coffee if you need a change of pace. We're a project-oriented business, not one that emphasizes "punching a time clock." We are still looking into the feasibility of work from home arrangements, so for now, we ask that you stay within the downtown area. But it should be fun.

2) Cell-phone use. Because we still need to stay in touch, every employee will have to keep their cell on continuously during working hours. Some have grumbled about how the phones can be disruptive, or that the GPS system can be used as a tracking device. There has even been a strange and bizarre rumor about the phones sending some kind of signal that alters your brainwaves and "steals your emotions." All I will say is we're adopting this new policy from some of the largest, most forward-thinking companies in the country. We won't do anything they wouldn't do at Microsoft.

3) Security codes. A 21st century company needs a 21st century security system. We're going to lock different floors and office suites with a keypad system. Frankly this should have been done some time ago. There has been speculation as to why the file room on the second floor now seems to closed to all personnel. And some have reported noises from the area. We keep some of our most important proprietary information in that room, and for insurance purposes we must maintain its security. I don't know what anyone thinks they heard, but there are nothing in that room but files. No one is "calling for help."

4) Bonuses! I don't mind bragging: I went to the mat for this. I told our corporate office that this staff handles some of the most lucrative and sensitive transactions for Karp Mac, and they need to be rewarded for it. The only stipulation is that each of you must sign a new non-disclosure agreement to receive your check. It beefs up the language about revealing information on our clients and procedures, facts surrounding the disappearance of several staffers, and your compensation package. Pretty basic stuff. Gotta keep the lawyers happy.

I'd like to thank you for your hard work and dedication last year. There will be big things happening in 2011 for all of us. That's a promise.

PS: Our new Department Manager starts work next week. He's an old friend. Please welcome him. I know you will. Also, don't forget to bring your crazy hat for Crazy Hat Day! We're going to take plenty of pictures for the newsletter.
Continued here.

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