Saturday, December 18, 2010

I'm Sorry Steve's Dead, But Maybe He Shouldn't Have Touched My Snapple

Interoffice Memorandum

To: All employees at Karp, MacKenzie, LLC
From: "Frank Rust" in Payroll
cc: File

I'd like to say a few words about yesterday's unfortunate occurrence. Steve was a great HR manager in many ways, and we will all miss him. It's especially sad that Sheila had to find him the way she did. I'm sure we're all hoping she will make a full recovery and come back to us in about a week, after her therapist says she's rested enough.

I know some of you blame me for what happened, and quite frankly I don't think it's fair. As you know I was not even in the office the day that Steve developed that... serious illness. None of us, myself included, knew there was a problem. And quite frankly the problem was with Steve himself. He didn't respect other people's property. All of you know this. I remember a birthday not too long ago, where a few gourmet cupcakes disappeared before we even had the party at 3:15! Steve was the HR Manager, and he should have been fully aware that the employee manual has an entire section on how to treat someone's food, clothing, and personal items.

Sure, it's not a serious theft. But it's a theft nonetheless. I have a special nutritional supplement that I put into my afternoon Diet Raspberry Snapple. It needs to incubate for 12 hours, so the Snapple is sitting there, full, in the fridge during that time. Granted. But it was CLEARLY MARKED.

Of course label didn't say, "Warning: This drink contains a highly aggressive microscopic predator which will spread a blue-green lichen-like substance throughout your body cavity within 30 minutes and cause you to die an excruciating death." But it did say "Frank's Snapple. Do not touch." I think that should have been clear enough.

No one likes it when people take something that belongs to us. There is a heavy-duty three-hole punch that keeps mysteriously migrating to the third floor, and I know I have heard people on Floor 2 grumbling about it. There have even been threats of violence! Not serious violence of course. Nothing like what happened, which -- I have to stress -- was completely unforeseen. Seeing Steve's skull erupt during the sporing phase of the thing was a shock to every one of us in this office.

I liked the guy. I really did. I had a lot of respect for his skills as a manager. And I just wished he'd asked me if he could have a drink from my Snapple. I would have been glad to go get him one from my desk. But he didn't. It was a terrible, tragic mishap.

Thank you.

Continued here.

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