Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Billy Ray Cyrus Charges: Satan Responds


As you may know newspapers have recently revealed details of an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus in which he claims his family is being attacked by Satan. Goblinbooks contacted the devil for a reply, and he agreed to give us an exclusive interview on condition that it be published in its entirety in a straight Q&A format.

Goblinbooks: Thanks very much for agreeing to this.
Satan: Not at all. Not at all. Always happy to set the record straight.
G: Really?
S: (Laughs.) Well. Maybe not always. Anyway I want to come right out and say "Guilty as charged." I did it.
G: That's amazing.
S: Yeah, well, usually I don't like to tip my hand, but we're proud of this one. It gives people a real chill to realize that talent like this always comes with a dark price. The drinking. The drugs. The years of hard living and destructive fame. All me.
G: Well, I...
S: And the music! There is something so hauntingly right about "Your Cheatin' Heart," that you just know the guy behind it is utterly and completely lost.
G: Excuse me --
S: Some of my better work, really. And I have a record, as you know.
G: Excuse me. I'm sorry, but you seem to be talking about Hank Williams.
S: Of course! Lost. Utterly.
G: No, that's not what -- the interview is about Billy Ray Cyrus. The recent accusations he made that you're attacking his family.
S: (Long pause.) What?
G: He recently made a charge that you are ruining his family.
S: (Chuckles.) I'm really embarrassed by this.
G: Not at all.
S: The voicemail you sent -- I just kind of skimmed over it. I heard "country music" and my mind just went to Hank. It's my-- well, as you know I'm very busy.
G: Yes, yes.
S: So... who is this guy?
G: Billy Ray Cyrus.
S: Okay... gimme a sec. (Click of intercom) Janet, honey, bring a file in... Silas.
G: Cyrus.
S: Sorry, Cyrus. Willy Bob Cyrus.
G: Billy Ray.
S: You heard that? Okay, thanks. Now, you... stay put if you don't mind. I'm a fast reader. I'll get up to speed.
G: No problem, sir.
S: I have a lot on my plate lately, I -- have you been following things in the Mideast? Oh, here it is. Thanks, you. Now, just... a... minute.

(Satan reads for several minutes, before erupting in laughter. He laughs for a long time, but eventually regains his composure.)


S: Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm ready to give a statement. You ready?
G: Shoot.
S: Let me be very, very clear. I'm the prince of fucking darkness, here. And don't you edit that out. I'm the prince of fucking darkness. I caused the holocaust, most of the big plagues, and I've been handicapping popes since the 4th century. I don't have the time to... I... Son, you know what causes hillbilly drama?
G: What?
S: Hillbillies. I don't have to intervene. Nor do I really want to. Okay?
G: I understand.
S: Some toothless redneck sends his daughter to Disney, they put the money hose on her, and she goes into a stripper spiral... This is like salmon swimming upstream. This is just how it happens.
G: It's evil, though, right?
S: I know where you're going with this. Okay... Yes, I am the ultimate author of all evil. Yes, that evil includes earthquakes and mass murder and cancer, and everything else, but it obviously also includes the fact that Disney churns out child actors who crack up their Escalades and keep Charlie Sheen on speed dial.
G: Yes?
S: ...but 99% of that crap is on autopilot. I don't get directly involved. No one does. We'd never get anything done if we had to individually make every Cyrus family a train wreck. Do you know how many of them there are? Ugh. Look, when we created that part of America we were thinking about slaves and religious bigotry and eventually meth labs popping out of every backyard shed. Large-scale evil with a capital E. This is so...

G: Do you think they're going to hell?

S: Heh, well... I'm not going to lose sleep over it one way or the other, but... Where do you think the guy who wrote 'Achy Breaky Heart' should end up?

G: Good point.

S: Gotta fly.

G: Thank you very much. Always a pleasure.

S: Be seeing you.

G: You too.

S: Yeah but I mean it. (Chuckles.) Bye.

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