Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It Stops Wasting the Lotion in the Basket

It has to understand something. Lotion costs money.

Yes, it rubs the lotion on its skin whenever it's told. But it doesn't take huge handfuls of the stuff and smear them all over itself until most of it gets on its clothes.

It dabs. Doesn't it understand how to dab? It takes a tiny bit and rubs it in thoroughly. Then another. That's how normal people put lotion on. Even I understand that, and I'm a serial killer with a girl in my well.

Listen. It's not using generic Rite-Aid lotion for 99 cents a pop. It's using goddamn Nivea, which goes for $5.69.

If it uses a bottle a day it's going to cost more than $300 by the time I get it fat enough to make a housecoat. And if I had $300 for a housecoat, I would have bought one by now and it wouldn't be in my friggin' well. Isn't that right, Precious? Yes. Precious gets it.

Does it think I'm made of lotion?

It's totally going to get the hose again.

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