Thursday, March 31, 2011

We've Had Four Weeks Of Couples Therapy And I Still Want To Kill You

Wendy. Darling. Light of my life... Listen.

We've done everything Dr. Petersen said. The communications exercises, the conflict journaling, all of it. And last night when he had us do some joint meditation and focus on finding the core of our being, on discovering who we both truly are down deep, you know what I realized? I am an alcoholic who really, really wants to dismember his family and then kill himself so he can live in the Overlook forever. Let me out of the freezer, don't let me out of the freezer -- that's your choice. But I'm not going to change.

I should have seen it coming. The therapist has been talking about how we have to move past our zero-sum dynamic and try to reach a situation where we can both win. But if I keep chasing you down the halls with an axe, and you keep chopping wildly at me with that butcher knife in a desperate attempt to survive, where are we going to find a place to compromise? Lloyd was saying that the other night, and I tried to argue with him, but the guy had a damn point.

I want to kill you. You don't want me to kill you. It's as simple as that. One of us could give in and pretend to be happy, but then we wouldn't be true to ourselves, would we? Do you really want that? Is that a good thing to teach Danny about relationships?

Where is Danny, by the way? Hey, just asking. Calm down.

Look, don't get sad about this. Look at it as an opportunity. A challenge for both of us to try to live authentic lives. I'm going to explore this new relationship with the ghosts who are driving me to kill, and you're going to try like hell to get that radio working. We both have needs, Wendy. Why can't you see that? Why can't Dr. Petersen? He should just admit that we're better off on our own. Especially you, if I find a way to break this door lock.

You fell in love with me, because you said I was always real -- do you remember that? You said I never try to pretend I'm something I'm not. Well, this is me, and I'm telling you I'm trapped in a hotel with a woman who sounds like a chipmunk and a kid who talks to his finger, and I want to kill both of you. That's my truth. I need to know you understand me, Wendy, and I need to leave this on good terms. How about opening this door and giving me a good-bye hug?

Heh. Sorry. Had to try that.

I think this is where the conversation ends. Goodbye, honey. I'll always have feelings for you. Mostly murderous rage, but still. I'm going to sit here and wait for unholy forces to let me loose, and you're going to go discover what I did to the Snow Cat. We each have a journey.


  1. This is such a brilliant satire on couple's therapy (which I have worked on extensively with my partner)! I love the stuff about being on their own journeys--that is so hilarious given the context of The Shining.

  2. This is wonderful! I just finished watching The Shining last weekend, and can't stop hearing his voice in this post! Brilliant! More please...!

  3. Having relationship problems with the ol' lady right now, probably shouldn't have read thhis.....

  4. OMG. This is it:

    I'm trapped in a hotel with a woman who sounds like a chipmunk and a kid who talks to his finger ...

    Even Seal had to leave b/c Heidi Klum sounds like a chipmunk.


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