Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"You're Gonna Wish I Took Over The World" -- A Message From The Antichrist
You know what? Screw you people.
I've spent the last 30 years of my life quietly amassing power and killing off my enemies, getting ready for that crucial moment when I could just take over. It wasn't easy. I made sacrifices. I meet someone on eHarmony, and we start swapping messages, and that first time I start talking honestly about my goals... I get frozen out. I don't have friends. The only living thing in my apartment is a cactus and a crystal with a human soul trapped in it, because I don't even have time to take care of a friggin' cat. I'm lonely, and I'm burnt out. And for what? So you guys could act like I was going to wreck everything?
Let me let you in on a little secret. My "world domination" plan had its drawbacks, sure. Executing everyone who didn't take the unholy mark is probably the biggie. But there was plenty of good solid reform in that thing. High-speed rail over the American continent. An energy policy that cut carbon emissions and upgraded nuclear safety. Basically a lot of what Al Gore was talking about back in 2000. You got rid of him too, and how well did that go?
Why am I cashing it in? I'm tired of being the bad guy. Every time I turn on AM radio or surf the net I hear that all that crap in the Middle East is my doing. Did I decide to cram three major religions there? Did I think to build a Muslim-Jewish co-op on the Temple Mount? No. You people messed that place up. I was just going to do some housecleaning, and then move on to my plan of running the world with cold, brutal efficiency. Man, you people really, really lucked out that that's not going to happen! It will be so much better leaving that part of the world to a bunch of Christian fundamentalists and the Likud party.
My prediction is that within four years you'll be wishing you all had 666 burned on your forehead, and I was hunting down the last of the righteous and saving Social Security. But fuck it. I'm going to buy up a couple of studios, and get into cable TV.
Suck it, bitches. You can take your chances with Michele Bachmann.