Open Thread: The Onion Reviews 'Independence Day: Resurgence' - The Onion. What are *your* plans for Independence Day Weekend? Open thread below....
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It'll Cost Extra If The Rats Are Hyperintelligent
I need to be frank, here: You've got a serious infestation. I'll set some poison in the crawlspace and attic. Also we'll have to poke around outside to figure out their access point and seal it off. And before I give you an estimate I want to discover how they killed that priest. Now maybe they got lucky when the poor guy tripped in the basement. But here -- I have some photos. You see these old sheets that have been torn, or possibly chewed, into long strips and then tied together like a crude ankle snare? Yeah, that tells me that maybe glue traps aren't going to cut it.
The other thing that troubles me are these droppings. It's not just the number of them that indicates heavy breeding. It's also the fact that they seem to be arranged into some kind of written characters. I focussed on a few places here and here. That language is Old Norse. It's some kind of Scandavian curse that comes from one of the sagas. So they're definitely Norwegian. And they seem to be angry about something. Like I said, we have some serious work to do.
My plan is to get a team of structural people out here tomorrow to start replacing the cellar windows with high-impact plastic. It's going to take all day because the dowser can't arrive until early afternoon, and I think you'll need him asap. His name is Yngvar, and he's considered a seer in his village. Tomorrow will run about $500, but it's just a down payment. We really won't know more until Yngvar reaches the spirit world.
Now at this point I'm sure you're thinking about going with a budget exterminator. I can understand the feeling. You could have a guy poke around with a bag and a flashlight where you heard the scratching sounds and the foreign whispering. But then he's going to disappear and the next day you'll open the mail to find a tape recording of his cries for help. Believe me that's not the first time that's happened. Better start taking it seriously now.
Here's some of the initial paperwork. Please fill out the part with religious beliefs, next of kin, and -- yes, the employment information is really important, because...
You work at Pfizer? Not in research, though, right? Oh.
Listen, I'm sorry to do this, but we just can't work with you. No. No! I have a family for Chrissakes. I have to go. I really -- no, I don't want to talk about it. Just standing here puts me at risk. The only thing I will say is you should pack up and move today... and leave behind a 20 lb. block of the most expensive gouda you can find so they don't follow you.
Goodbye. And God help you.