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Sunday, May 1, 2011
Look, Nobody Wants An Exorcism Here
Let's act like adults. We all know how this is going to end up if we don't negotiate; We've been through this before. You're going to pray and fling some holy water around like you're the big swinging dick. I'll start in with the vomit and the crazy talk. A little levitation, throwing some furniture -- I dunno... I'm just thumb nailing. But my point is maybe you get one more butt back in the pews and maybe you don't. What's guaranteed is that people are going to get hurt and stuff's going to get broken.
Everybody loses in an exorcism. That's my point.
Sure, you've got a solid, unbroken record. But you're not some 20 year-old seminarian. You think you can just fly back from an archaeological dig in northern friggin' Iraq and go round for round with me? I don't think so. And yeah, you have an assistant, but he doesn't look like he's up for any of this. The guy has a Sam Harris book in his bag. Really. Ask him about it. I think he's going to head for the door the minute your angina starts acting up.
Not that I'm all that eager to spend the next 24 hours tied to a bedpost. I mean, that's seriously no fun. But if you're willing to meet me halfway I think I can talk to the other demons and work something out.
Here's what I'm thinking: Number 1, we keep the girl. But we tone this crap down. No more peeing on the carpet or going all Wicked Pictures on the crucifix. She becomes just another surly, moderately evil 12 year-old girl. Believe me, we can work with that. There's nothing a full-blown possession will accomplish that doesn't already happen in your average junior high school.
Number 2, you mark this one down as a score, and nobody on our end makes any noise about it. Go ahead. You guys have other problems to deal with, right?
We avoid an eviction, you avoid ugliness and dry cleaning bills... everybody wins. Well, almost everybody. But how many pre-teens are you really going to save? Heh -- Don't answer that. Some of us in here used to be lawyers.
Anyway, that's the deal. I'll give you some time to think about it -- I've got some stuff to handle in the Mideast anyway. But I think this is the smart play. Remember: when you start saying Hail Marys... nobody benefits.
(Note: Photo of Pazuzu statue in Louvre Museum by Rama; used under Creative Commons France license.)