Sunday, May 8, 2011

So... Is This My Mother's Day Gift Or My Birthday Gift?

I'm just asking.

I mean, it's certainly a wonderful present -- a whole escape pod with three people trapped inside. You must have worked pretty hard to find one that still had survivors. Are all three alive? Oh, wait. I can tell by the smell in the exhaust. Two are still hanging on, and one seems to have died.

So... one of them is for Mother's Day and the other is for my birthday? I guess that's okay. What's the dead one for? No, I completely understand. You didn't want to open up the pod or they would have gotten out. Right, right. Makes sense.

Don't you get like that with me, mister! You do not have the right to say that, not after I didn't even get a call on May 2. What, they don't have phones on that cargo ship where you were hiding? I am mad. That's right. But what concerns me is you don't even know why I'm mad. I am upset -- let me finish -- I am upset, because I feel like my son doesn't know how to express thoughtfulness and to be considerate of other people's feelings. I guess it's easier with Jordan-23. He was born so close to the holidays that he grew up knowing what it was like to have people ignore his special day. It made him sensitive. Which is why I got those cryogenic capsules. The people will keep for months in those things. The boy knows how to package a gift. And for Mother's Day he didn't try to double up, either, like you're doing. He sent me a nice card with a spa treatment coupon.

No, I'm not making it all about Jordan-23. I'm worried about you. I'm worried you're so obsessed with your career you're not going to take the time to care about people, and that means you won't be happy.

I know you are busy. I understand. You're fighting off people who want to blow you up or burn you with flamethrowers. Yes, as a matter of fact I know exactly what that is like, because that is just what I had to do when I was protecting your egg sac from that terrible woman in the robot suit. So don't make that the excuse.

Fine. Yes I love you too. It's because I love you, you understand? It's because I love you. Okay, go. Go! You obviously have things to do. I will see you in a few months. You can pick the time and place. I don't care. No, I don't care. You pick. I won't pick so you do it. Pick somewhere nice, and that will make me happy. Be thoughtful.

Do you have a coat?

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