Saturday, July 2, 2011

Bad Things Happen To People Who Don't Edge Their Lawn, Ted

Our Homeowner's Association is pretty proactive. They tackle problems right away, and they're not afraid to get aggressive about it. Look, when someone doesn't take care of their lawn it hurts everyone's property value. We have to stick together, especially in this kind of housing market. That's why -- as a friend -- I'm going to give you a little warning, Ted. Edge your lawn. Edge the shit out of it.

Mowing twice a month and waiting for the rain to water the grass just isn't going to cut it. Especially with that St. Augustine you've got. That stuff holds together great, but it spreads right out onto the sidewalk. You don't want to let it do that. That's how people get duct-taped and shoved into the trunk of someone's car.

You know Bill O'Donnell, down the block? Nice guy, retired Air Force. Ol' Bill thought he'd put himself up some plastic gnomes, just for the fun of it. You haven't seen Ol' Bill recently, have you? Of course you haven't. The paperboy doesn't come round, and even the police have stopped looking. Of course the police don't fuck with the Homeowner's Association either.

They say the Italian mafia will kill you, but the Russians will kill you and your family. You've heard that, right? Yeah, well the HOA will make it so no one will ever find you again. People won't even ask, they'll be so scared. Why are you screwing around with the weeds in your flowerbed like that? Are you suicidal? Ted, just come back to reality here. You've got a family. Don't be a hero. Just get out there and tighten those corners -- maybe clean up that crabgrass over there. No one escapes them! Don't even try, or you'll end fertilizing Mrs. Compton's rutabagas in the community garden.

They just want to see that you're playing ball, and they'll leave you alone. Don't force them to make an example of you, for Chrissakes. You're playing with the lives of everyone and everything you love. If you don't straighten out and start edging -- and bag your clippings in clear plastic bags for the recycling truck -- they will end you. I'm afraid, just living next to you. Don't draw attention to this block, Ted. The way you go without mulching is just insane. You have no idea how close you are to getting necklaced with a gasoline-filled tire next Fall Fun Festival.

Look, I've gotta get back to my hedge trimming before someone sees us together. We never talked about this, Ted. But get with the program. I'll kill you myself if I have to.

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