Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Find Me Some Victims And I'll Totally Let You Touch My Boobs

You're what? Twelve years old? Yeah, let me explain something: You're probably not going to have any kind of physical contact with a girl for years. Looking at you, we're probably talking sophomore spring break in college before the coach is waving you to second. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. It's just the way things are. You're the nice geeky boy, and they have to wait awhile before blouses start hitting the floor. I am 243 years old. I know a few things.

But what I'm saying is it doesn't have to be this way. You have needs, I have needs. We could help each other out. What I need is someone to sedate a 150 lb. disease-free person and handcuff them to the radiator in my apartment every week. You do that and girls are yours.

Ever had a paper route? Maybe watched someone's pets while they went away for the summer? This is very similar. It's all about dependability. And being handy with a rag and some ether, but you can pick that up quick. Or you can try your luck with that Marta in your geometry class. She's cute. I think she wants to be a Lutheran minister, right? Well there's also that rollerskating party coming up this spring. Those things are hotter than a Hedonism mixer. But you don't know what that is, do you?

So you have a choice. You do some dirty work, I do some dirty work. Why not? We like each other. And you're free most evenings, which helps. It's like any other relationship you're going to have in your life. We each give something, and we make ourselves happy. What's wrong with that?

Think it over. If you're cool, just meet me in the mall parking lot tomorrow before sunset. Bring gloves, a mask, and some duct tape. It'll be like our first date.

(Lina Leandersson in Let The Right One In, a Magnet Release.)

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