Friday, January 20, 2012

A Message From The Hooker In Newt Gingrich's Basement

My name is Ashlinn. I have known Newt Gingrich personally and professionally for more than seven years. And I think he would make an excellent president of this country. He's a man of courage, integrity, and imagination. Especially imagination.

Like most people in my line of work, I'm a social conservative. I'm not comfortable with anyone from a strange religious or cultural background in the White House. I want someone who shares my traditional values. Newt Gingrich is a chunky white man who used his wealth and power to cycle through a series of wives as if he were upgrading cars. Believe me, it doesn't get more traditional than that.

If you live in a makeshift sex dungeon just below someone's family room, you get to know them. And I am certain Newt is devoted to his family, and to building a bright future for them. He's going to protect the institution of marriage from the threat posed by Barack Obama and by gay people. His tireless work has defended millions of married couples. People will say he also destroyed the two marriages in which he was directly involved. But that's still a pretty good record.

I also want to deplore the media outlets who have decided to sandbag Newt with these personal allegations on the eve of the South Carolina primary. Attacking him like this is disgusting -- about as disgusting as some of the things Newt has done to me, so I should know. But almost all of those things were consensual, and these attacks are not. Where's Newt's compensation? Where's Newt's diamond tennis bracelet and complementary visit to a clinic?

If you are a values conservative, and you're looking for someone who will uphold the office of president with dignity and integrity, and definitely not turn the next four years into an ugly soap opera with some sick revelations none of us could ever suspect, because they happened in Thailand or something, you should definitely vote for Newt. It's about our families. And it's more important than ever.

And if you're in the Tampa area, and you want to pee on someone who looks almost exactly like Michele Bachmann, look me up! I'm free on alternate weekends, unless I've been bad or gotten injured.

2 comments:

  1. Mr. Bibeau,

    This is wonderful, piercing, funny writing. You are joining George Saunders in my pantheon of dark/funny writers.

    Loved your piece on lemmings, too. Sent it around to some friends who also loved it.

    Snorting milk out my nose,

    Minor Heretic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, MH. I'm sitting at my desk trying to get inspired to break a 2 week case of writer's block, and your comment did the trick.

      Delete

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