Researchers at CERN's Large Hadron Collider have made a startling breakthrough in physics that will revolutionize the way we think of Ron Paul - and may completely alter the American political landscape. By manipulating powerful magnetic fields scientists have successfully isolated the most basic building blocks of the Texas Congressman.
"We have essentially recreated conditions as they were moments after the Big Bang," explains Dr. Stanley Grunke, who leads the team. "At this time billions of Paul Particles collided with billions of Anti-Paul Particles, eliminating them in an intense flash of light and heat. However, there were slightly more of the Paul Particles... just enough to create the Libertarian-minded GOP candidate."
Scientists have discovered that these so-called Paul Particles are each made of three even smaller components, locked together by intense nuclear bonds. This tripartite structure is what gives the Representative his most rudimentary characteristics (see below). And the dream of discovering how to unravel these bonds is what drives their efforts.
"He says all these sensible things about not bombing countries just because we can," observes Grunke, "and then you read his newsletter, and it's like something by a 19th century Glenn Beck. Can't you have one without the other?"
The CERN team believes they can. By bombarding the Paul Particles with a powerful stream of neutrons, they believe they can decouple the pieces and convert Paul Particles into Anti-Paul Particles. With enough Anti-Paul Particles, they can create a new presidential candidate.
The idea is "highly theoretical," Grunke insists. But it holds out tantalizing possibilities.
"The Anti-Paul candidate opposes out of control militarism, but he doesn't sound like someone's angry grandpa chasing kids out of his backyard. Anti-Paul contributes to PBS, and he drives a Prius. He sounds calm and level-headed. You don't think he's hiding a handgun somewhere under his clothes."
If scientists could split the Paul Particle, Grunke adds, it would be the biggest breakthrough in Political Physics since the synthesis of Bill Clinton in a Penn State laboratory in 1991. But even if it were possible, there might still be limits to its usefulness as an applied science.
"We could never get a calm, easy-going Ron Paul through a GOP primary," says Grunke. "All that batshit crazy talk is the only reason Republicans have let him get this far. Bastards."
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