It's been a tough process so far. My Republican colleagues and I have fought hard to be your nominee in the fall. We've had sharp, passionate disagreements about how best to lead this nation for the next four years. We've wrestled over some of the most profound policy questions this country has ever faced. And although I want you to vote for me, Mitt Romney, I have to tell you... I couldn't be prouder of my competitors. Although we have had our differences, we are united in our rejection of Barack Obama's weak and timid foreign policy. Because Barack Obama hasn't launched nearly enough flying killer robots.
They must blanket the skies. And if I'm elected, they will.
Some will say that that more than 240 attacks and 1,300 casualties are enough to keep us safe. I say Americans can never be safe enough. The robots must fire missiles at terrorist operatives, their associates, friends, family, and people who happen to be standing nearby, possibly sympathizing with their goals. Then when news of their deaths becomes a recruitment tool for al Qaeda, we must have more killer robot strikes to eliminate the growing threat from others who might wish us harm for some reason.
Go out and look up at the sky. Do you see a flying killer robot? Probably not. Probably goddamn not. Barack Obama has been shamefully, treasonably lax in making sure that the robots surround us with their constant, eerie droning and their sudden, seemingly random explosions. Those robots must be everywhere to keep us free.
I respect Ron Paul, of course. I applaud his desire to lead America to a traditional metals-and-barter economy. And his proposed healthcare plan hearkens back to our frontier past, where neighbors came together to tend their own wounded, giving them whiskey and helping to hold them down while a local barber sawed off their limbs. I agree with him that we don't need a federal agency interfering with people's lives during an emergency as they band together into warring tribes and kill each other over small caches of canned food. But on the issue of flying killer robots, Ron Paul is dangerously wrong. His plan to remove all of these robots will leave us open to terrorist attacks from bases in Pakistan, Yemen, Paris, San Diego - because the enemy is everywhere.
A Romney administration won't divide Americans anymore. We'll all be part of the effort to keep this country free and safe. I will call on one third of our people to serve in the intelligence, security, and defense contracting fields - they will build and maintain our precious robots. Another third will pilot the robots and use them to launch lethal attacks. The last group of Americans are terrorists themselves - people Barack Obama has allowed to sneak into this country. But they will be put on a watch list, and robots will be following them constantly.
Each of us are campaigning hard for the GOP nomination. That's as it should be. Only the best candidate will be able to defeat Barack Obama and bring flying killer robot attacks to a level we can be proud of.
In Memoriam - Edward Lofgren, physicist Shimon Peres, Israeli prime minister, president, Oslo Accords negotiator Agnes Nixon, creator and writer of soap operas Jean Shep...