Friday, March 2, 2012

A Message To PETA From A Dead Gazelle On A Nature Show

You people annoy the crap out of me. These cheetahs are chomping down on my haunches, so clearly I have bigger problems than you. But still, I want to say this.

Listen, I don't mind the veganism. I don't mind you trying to keep people from squirting cosmetics into little rabbit eyes. All that's fine. You want to try to make some top predators behave a little more kindly to everyone else in the pyramid? Great.

But then you start getting loopy. You start acting like animals have the same rights as people. Here's why that's stupid: Rights don't exist in my world. Rights are something you guys invented as a way of dealing with each other in the context of an advanced civilization. You can claim some kind of teleological source of natural law or some kind of idea of the balance of nature or the harmony of Mother Gaea with all her children. But you have no proof. Nothing.

Take me: Walking along, minding my own beeswax, munching some leaves with Steve and Sheila and the rest of the herd. BAM! Outta nowhere, a couple of cats jump us and everybody scatters. I have this sprained ankle... so guess who draws the fuct card that day? Now as a gazelle with a disability do I have a right to access ramps and a cheetah-free workplace? Do those sons of bitches who got me have a right to a nutritious, organic meal? No and no. No one has a right to anything here in what we call the real world. I get eaten today. Next week, the cheetahs who caught me starve to death or die from an accident or parasites. The whole world goes round.

I think you people are scared. You're scared to admit your little rule system of play-nice is just a tiny, fragile sand castle next to a rising ocean of nobody-gives-a-crap. You think if you expand your laws to include the whole world of living creatures then somehow you'll escape the inevitable. Which is, of course, death. But that's just silly. The whole history of this planet is billions upon billions of creatures dying in nasty ways, and then some of them with the right set of antlers survive just long enough to give the next generation a better chance. And you are part of that, whether you want to admit it or not. Human civilization is a maraschino cherry of morality on top of a giant double-fudge sundae of murder and privation.

So before I slide down this bastard's gullet let me give you some advice: Stop saying ridiculous stuff about animal rights and Orca slavery, and just try to make people better people. If I were better at being a gazelle, I'd be alive. But that's my burden. And anyway, the cheetah is coming for you too. So suck it, hippies.

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