Sunday, April 1, 2012

Ayn Rand Is Alive?

If you are reading this it means that Tom Cruise has already killed me - possibly with the aid of John Stossel. Stossel will be coming for you next, and there is probably nothing you can do. My dear friend, I am so sorry to have brought this darkness into your life. I wish I’d never found the Ayn Rand documents. I wish I’d never stumbled onto the secret. Because it goes further than either of us ever could have imagined...

Dear Readers: Above is the beginning of the letter I found taped to the door of the office where Ayn Rand's attorney used to work. The place was empty; cleaned out.

As you might remember, I had received several statements written by Ms. Rand, detailing the secret history of her life's work, and how it was entangled with Church of Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard (begin reading the original posts here). But the messages cut off at a strange point -- just when Rand first met the original John Galt who inspired her literary creation. The lawyer's letter continues:

I became suspicious – as I’m sure you did – by the portrayal of John Galt:

He was extremely handsome, with short, neatly cut brown-black hair, piercing eyes, and the whitest teeth I'd ever seen on a human. He was sitting in a chair wearing some kind of dark turtleneck and talking into a tape recorder. Ronnie nodded at him, but he didn't seem to acknowledge us. He had an almost scary focus, like at any moment he might leap out of that chair and do something terrible.

"I think it's a privilege to call yourself a capitalist, and it's something you have to earn," he said. "Because a capitalist does. He or she has to ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a capitalist you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them... Not that you have to."

He was shorter than I expected.

You no doubt notice the similarities between Galt and the famous clip of Tom Cruise (Ed. Note: which I have embedded below)...

But why? As I began to investigate this case I learned that Tom Cruise’s official age is widely considered to be false, and no one has ever guessed when he was really born. Some people suspect he passed the century mark a long time ago, and is kept preserved by a combination
of advanced scientific techniques, black magic, and a great deal of moisturizer. Could Tom
Cruise be the real John Galt, a kind of secret link that proves the world of Rand and L. Ron Hubbard are intertwined? I had to find out. And I did. Oh God, I did.

As I write this I am doing research I can’t tell you about – I made promises to people whose lives would be in jeopardy if I shared more details. I can only tell you that I know one thing for certain: Ayn Rand's coffin has no body. I have seen it myself. The casket is filled with old Ron Paul newsletters to give it weight. But Rand herself is gone. Where?

One possibility is that Rand is still alive, preserved by the same techniques as the one they call "Tom Cruise," who is also definitely John Galt. But he has many names, many identities. I dare not say more.

But my friend, this is
not the strangest possibility. Because if what I have read is true there is a chance that Ayn Rand never even existed. An assistant who survives me will send you more information. She/He will do so by means of [REDACTED]. Please send word by [REDACTED] if you agree. My advice is to throw this letter away and forget we ever communicated. Scrub the blog, change your name, and move somewhere far away. Don't ever underestimate what the Objectivists are capable of. I beg you not to get involved, though I know it will do no good.

Aside from the threat to your life, are you prepared to know what I know? To consider that everything you believe about American history is wrong? Even the conspiracy theories that already warn you about the wrongness of everything you know -- even them? Have you ever wondered why this country can only manufacture ridiculously lethal weapons and YouTube videos of cats? Why we have no economy, no functioning government, we're all so out of shape we get winded on escalators... and yet somehow, for no reason we can fathom, the USA continues?

The snickering sounds you hear are real. They're all around you, and you've known them your whole life. Are you really ready for me to turn the house lights on so you can see the audience? Turn back, before it's too late. Death is the least of your worries.

Well reader, the fact that you've gotten this far means I made contact by the method we agreed, and I notified the assistant I would not back down. I am waiting for the reply. The assistant may have met with the same end as Ayn Rand's lawyer, because our channels of communication have gone dark. And this morning I received what I believe to be a threat on my life:

An envelope containing a single bullet... and a moustache comb.

(Read the next post here).


  1. O my God. I always knew that Milton Friedman and Thomas Friedman were really the same person, reborn in a new body. The mustache comb gives the whole nefarious plot away!!

  2. You are a fucking ARTIST.


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