My Fellow Americans: As this election heats up Republicans are going to warn you about the dangers of an Obama administration in its second term. They'll paint a picture of an out-of-control president who is free to unleash his most extreme liberal policies on an unsuspecting public. But in your hearts you already know this is crap.
We're not going to get anything done. That's more than a promise. It's a fact. And that is the most compelling argument for my reelection. If you vote for me there will be four more years of "Meh." You know that during any second term the administration is a burnt-out, crippled mess. The team goes back to the West Wing hobbled by all the old predictable scandals, and all the naive policies that finally had time to blow up in our faces. Plus, we'll be facing off against a Congress that would fight us if we wanted to buy Labrador puppies with little American flag collars for wounded veterans. I'll spend the remainder of my term squabbling with those assholes on the Hill about the most idiotic issues you can imagine. And you already know what they are, because they'll be the same idiotic issues as last time. We'll play chicken with the debt ceiling and someone will say some stupid crap about women or Catholics or Catholic women, and we'll posture about the Middle East like we know what the hell we're doing.
Plus, let's just lay this out there: How liberal do you really think I am? Have I closed Gitmo? Have I halted the Predator attacks? Have I reset relations with Iran, China, or Russia? I rolled out a progressive medical care program, and I did some deficit spending. So I guess that makes me about as much of a commie as George W. Bush. Wow.
No, for good or for bad, the second term of an Obama administration will be cautious and boring, and it won't tackle the underlying problems facing this country in any brave or meaningful way. And that is the absolute best you can hope for. Really. Because let's just take a moment and compare it to the first term of a Romney administration.
You have an absolute blank slate of a candidate - a guy who sounds like a cross between Thurston Howell III and a pod person from Invasion of the Body Snatchers - and he will have to prove he's a real conservative. He'll need to make his mark. And he'll be joined by all those political operatives and true believers out there in the country... all those people who've been just seething during their time out of power. You've seen them, right? The ones at the debate telling poor Wolf Blitzer he ought to let uninsured people die. Folks who think evolution is just some wacky untested theory and gay people should be shoved back into the closet. There are folks driving around with Palin bumper stickers on their cars, and they are going to be pouring into offices all over DC.
My people are tired, cranky, demoralized. We won't accomplish anything. Their people are eager and passionate. They are ready to tackle the system and really change things in this country. Who knows what they'll accomplish in those first two crucial years? Right. Exactly. Now go change your shorts and tell your friends to vote for me this fall.
Obama: "Meh" we can believe in.