Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Message To Anonymous From Anonymous

Listen guys. You're kind of fucking up the brand.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. But it needs to be said.

Anonymous used to mean something, you know? Fire. The wheel. Beowulf and The Book of Job and some of the best pornography mankind ever produced. That was us. We've been writing and inventing our asses off for thousands of years to make the world a better place... and now you people come along and suddenly we're screwing around with YouTube videos? We've gone from creating written language to rickrolling the Church of Scientology? Is this how you keep the legacy alive?

Oh right. The hacking. Real goddamn impressive the way you're fighting the power from your basement rec rooms. That's just going to change history. People will look back on that and think, "Wow, they built Stonehenge and closed down Gawker for an hour. How did they manage?!"

You don't understand the concept. When you create something anonymously - and this is going to blow your minds - it's not really about you anymore. You're not dancing around behind a false name and playing hide n' seek with the cops, and making everyone wonder who you are. You're just pouring everything you have into one perfect, beautiful, timeless artifact... and walking away. It's done. It belongs to the universe now. Go have a beer and a good private chuckle. A generation who can't break wind without a Facebook update isn't going to understand this, of course. Instead you invented something we never thought possible: Narcissistic Anonymity. I guess that's your gift. Sweet Jesus, please take it back.

Fortunately yours is self-correcting problem. Immature loudmouths who document their every move won't be able to maintain a super-secret underground network forever. The arrests, the crackup, the squabbling factions getting sillier and sillier - these things are already doing their work. Cycle of life. In our day it was war, famine, and plague that thinned out the hacks. You guys have Twitter and the FBI. Good enough. We'll take what we can get.

So next time, leave the Anonymous label to those of us who know what we're doing: monks and scribes and the odd medieval crackpot.

And take off those masks. You just look stupid.

(Photo by Vincent Diamante used under Creative Commons license; Information here.)

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