Monday, April 23, 2012

SecDef Leon Panetta: Our Greatest Strategic Threat Is If Josh Takes Kamchatka And Gets Seven Extra Armies

Addressing the House Intelligence Committee, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta issued a stark warning about what he called "the greatest danger facing US security" - that Josh could take over Kamchatka and hold it long enough to receive the seven-army bonus.

"Josh's been rolling sixes for an hour," Panetta said tersely. "He's going to blow in there, reinforce it, and we're not going to be able to attack him from Alaska in the next move."

"I think he's going to turn in his cards," Panetta added. "If that happens we'll be out of the game before the pizza guy gets here."

In addition, the Secretary addressed concerns about Russia, which is attempting to consolidate power in Europe, as well as the possibility that Islamic extremists could gain a foothold in Africa. Still, he said, they were nothing compared to the danger posed by Josh.

"We've been taking Iceland from Putin all night - he can't hold that and Ukraine too. Plus, Africa's only worth three anyway," Panetta said. "Josh already has Australia, and he's about to lock Asia down. That will be nine armies a turn! Nine - don't you understand that?"

Panetta said a series of unavoidable military commitments put America in an untenable situation.

"We've been fighting for South America all goddamn night, and we kept losing Brazil. Meanwhile Josh was consolidating the Middle East, and no one was even trying to take Ural from him. Un-fucking-believable."

The Secretary ended his testimony on a philosophical note, talking about the difficulties this country had faced and overcome in the past and quoting Abraham Lincoln's famous Lyceum Address, in which the president remarked that "All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined...could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand years."

Reached for comment, Josh replied, "This is cool and all, but I think my mom's coming soon. I might have to let you guys just divide up my stuff or something."

(Photo of Risk players by Kaizo ve, under Creative Commons license. Information here.)

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