Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A 2012 Election Message From Gordon Freeman

You probably already figured I'm an Obama guy, right? I mean, I'm a classic liberal academic. And there's no way I'm going to vote for a party that doesn't embrace evolution. You fight a dozen head crabs spilling out of a vent shaft, and then try believing in intelligent design. Also, Romney just creeps me out. The weird speech patterns... the way he looks so stiff in those suits. Reminds me of this colleague I don't get along with.

But none of this is the point. The point is even though Obama is a marginally better candidate I don't think anyone in this hoedown really represents my core issue. You know what it is?

Not dying.

It was going to be an ordinary day at my job, just going down to the test chamber to fart around with some anomalous materials, and then at 3 we'd all have cake for Steve's birthday. Let me say that again: We planned to have cake that day. You already know what happened instead. I learned a whole bunch more about human anatomy than I ever wanted to and Steve's birthday present was an airstrike on his cubicle. And you know why? Because some very smart people got cute with the laws of physics and did something stupid.

This is everybody's problem in modern America. Smart plus insanely complicated equals splat. Right now in some think tank or Pentagon office there's a guy drawing up a classified paper about how'd it be cool if we just swapped out the government of Iran with a bunch of friends of ours. The fact that this involves a nation of millions of citizens, a pile of squabbling political factions, and the entire violent, baffling balance of power in the Mideast doesn't bother the guy. No, no, see, because he's smart and he's got a plan. Wait, the Capitol's on fire now? Oh, crap, shoulda carried the one!

Shoulda carried the goddamn one. That's the story of US foreign policy right there.

And that's why so many of you out in the big cities feel exactly like I do. You kiss your wives and husbands goodbye in the morning, you get on that commuter train, and you idly wonder whether today is the day you're going to start working on your crowbar skills.

I want less cute and less splat in my life. You have a nation-building project in some country that's going to turn everyone into happy, non-violent Walmart shoppers? No way. You want to send money to a rebel group to stomp on another rebel group, and your intelligence is absolutely sure you know which are the good guys? Freeman is Unconvinced. Here, I'll just sign your check F.U. to make it clear.

I want people in power to be more cautious with our soldiers' lives, our civilians' lives, and the lives of ordinary people in faraway places just minding their own business who don't want to be shot in the face at a checkpoint because the 19 year-old kid with the assault rifle doesn't speak their language.

You people up there in the offices and situation rooms get this? Are we being heard here? We are ordinary people who work in ordinary jobs, and we don't actually want to go around rearranging the lives of folks who live thousands of miles from us. We want our government to be in the business of protecting us. And nothing more. We don't want to die for your stupid idea that seemed like it would work, back at the agency.

On any given day, on any given terrible day when we realized how you screwed things up? We all had other plans.


  1. Unfortunately, this advertisement could not be distributed, as the writer simply stared into the camera when he was asked to state that he was Gordon Freeman and he approved this message.

  2. I am curious to know what happened between you and the anomalous materials....


Related Posts with Thumbnails