Friday, May 4, 2012

"Go Fuck Yourself, Mitt Romney" By Jimmy Carter After Five Bourbons

I don't drink. I don't swear. And usually, when people attack me like this I work it off by building houses for folks and reading Goodnight Moon to little baby goats at this petting zoo near my house. But Rosalynn's on a trip with relatives, and... and I just got to thinking about some of the stuff that's being said out there. Anyway, next thing I know, I'm back from the package store, and the Wild Turkey isn't even out of the bag, but I've already had a few. Lemme just get this out, before I overthink it.

Mr. Romney, I would like to sincerely and cordially invite you to go fuck yourself. Is that clear enough? As a longtime peace negotiator I'm always trying to find exactly the right words to convey the full nuance of what I'm trying to communicate. So let me add that I hope you get beaten in this race in an ugly and embarrassing spectacle, and that it actually causes you to soil your shorts in public, you smarmy, creepy, robotic freak.
I know your handlers are making you throw my name out there as a sort of catchall term for liberal wimp, so you can link me to Obama. Those handlers can go fuck themselves too by the way.

Let me see if I got this: You're calling me a wuss, because of the hostage crisis and the failed rescue mission. Because I didn't go in there and just bomb the crap out of everything that moved, crush the government, and bring back whoever survived. And that I often used restraint, and I always tried to negotiate instead of sending in the Marines, and so I wasn't a strong leader, like Ronald Reagan. Is that the narrative?

Yeah, well, here's something you and Reagan and most of the 2012 GOP candidates all have in common. You motherless jagoffs have never put on a uniform. I actually served on a goddamn submarine - do you have any idea how small and claustrophobic those bastards are, and how unnerving it is to be out there under enough water to kill you if something goes wrong? Military people of all branches live with the constant threat of death, and so when you become the Commander in Chief your job is to not treat them like extras in an over budget action film. Sometimes I think I'm the last president who realized that.

The other fact that has not yet dawned on you is that every action you take has consequences that last long after you're gone. The whole reason we were in a conflict with the Iranians in 1979 was that back in 1953 the CIA thought it'd be cute if we toppled their government and help put in the Shah. That's why they're a pain in our balls, even now. They're mad at how we don't treat the lives of people in their country - hell, the whole region - like they're actually worth something.

Instead of blowing stuff up, I got the Soviets to sign an agreement on human rights at the Helsinki Accords. Everyone called me King of the Pussies for that one. You know who didn't? Lech Walesa. In Robert Gates's spy memoir, he talks about how Walesa said the agreement gave dissident groups in Poland a way to begin attacking the brutal regime in their country. Gates also writes that an entire generation of dissidents in Russia itself say it inspired them to push for change. So we did something smart. We did something right. And no one had to put a hundred thousand troops in harm's way or create a secret prison so we could waterboard people.

By the way, you know why I treated foreigners like their lives were worth something? Because I was the first modern evangelical president. I have a relationship with Jesus. And contrary to what you may have heard at your GOP fundraisers, He's actually not that big on indiscriminate killing. You right wing folks say you're all up in His grill, but I honestly don't even recognize the violent, bigoted hillbilly you assholes pray to.

Anyway, I gotta clean up. Rosalynn'll be home soon and there are Slim Jim wrappers everywhere. But think about what I said, Mitt. You're going to lose this thing and lose it bad. And when you do, maybe try to learn a little from it, okay?

Jesus loves you. I may want to cock punch you myself, but He is good that way. He got me through that rabbit thing. He'll get me through this. And Tylenol will help.



  1. The repugs love to constantly dump on Carter yet I strongly suspect he will fare much better with future historians than the empty suit Reagan will. Reagan knew how to play a president on television but his understanding of policy boardered on the nonexistent.

    Reagan did actually serve in the military during WWII..........He made training films for the army, in Hollywood.

  2. Focking brilliant... I am new to your blog and now hooked. Unlike most everyone I know, I have always admired and appreciated Jimmuh for the job he took on and the work her did, and still does, for the betterment of mankind. In my mind's ears, I can hear his voice saying these words, and I am cracking up BIG TIME. Thanks! I blog too (hell... who doesnt?), check out my stuff at

  3. Carter was pretty well regarded outside the U.S, and Reagan isn't except with ultra conservatives. Thanks for this funny and truthful post!

  4. Awesome post, gave me a good laugh to start the day!

  5. Well said! Made me smile.
    Please forward to the Carter Center.

  6. Probably our greatest president since FDR. As another blogger put it: they didn't like the PhD nuclear physicist so they replaced him with the chimp's co-star, then they didn't like the Rhodes scholar so they replaced him with the chimp, and now they've got an honest to god Constitutional scholar in the White House and they claim he's a "dictator."

  7. Thanks, from Plains, GA!

  8. Oh dear, please, not Tylenol. It is not good to take that stuff with bourbon at all, at all.

    1. You're totally right. On the other hand, the dude is 87.


    Still being Jimminy Cricket.

  10. To this day I regret voting for Jimmy Carter, the most incompetent American elected official in history!

  11. Well. Florid is in and Obama got that as well. So, Romney lost and lost big. To paraphrase from the screed above: " He got beaten in this race in an ugly and embarrassing spectacle, and it actually caused him and his delusional advisors and supporters to soil their shorts in public". They are all smarmy, creepy, robotic freaks.

    Congrats to the author for calling it so right.



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