You're a bunch of commies.
You know that, right? I figured I'd just get it out there. It's kind of my specialty. Your major population centers - everything in the eastern part of the state except maybe Richmond itself - are part of one massive worker's paradise. You people are redder than Billy Bragg wearing a Che shirt on a May Day Parade float and singing The Internationale.
If you're a Virginian you're probably either in the military, or you're retired and doing contract work for the military, or consulting for the military, or you live in a military town, and your economy, your tax base, and the value of your home are all propped up by the federal government. You have ranks, uniforms, security clearances, and state-run hospitals, grocery stores, and housing. Engels and I came up with a lot of crazy crap in the early days. But even we didn't think we'd get to tag you all like cattle.
You might argue that because it's all defense spending, it somehow doesn't count toward making you a Bolshevik. Like communist countries don't have huge military budgets or something. I hate admitting this, but honey, in those commie countries - past and present - the strongest institution they have is the military. It's the last thing to go. Have you noticed that? The only difference with you guys is you use defense funding for huge infrastructure projects everywhere but in your own damn home. It's like you wanted to find a way to make communism even less productive. Jesus, that's crazy. That's Berkeley-faculty-meeting crazy. And I would know.
Mind you I was always kind of a fan of massive government-run institutions. Whole theory about how that'd bring about a classless utopia. That didn't quite work out, but that's not the point. I'm just saying you should call it what it is. And it's important to say this, because your country is having an election this year, and you guys are in a swing state. So both parties are going to pander to you. We'll hear all kinds of nonsense about sensible, conservative-minded folks who could vote either way, because they just want a stronger, more fiscally-responsible America. Cable networks will probably have some man on the street interview with a dude outside an Arlington bar in a Ron Paul t-shirt talking about his concerns that Romney won't cut the deficit.
He'll be from Booz Allen.
And that wheezing sound you'll hear in the background? That'll be me laughing at you from beyond the grave.
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