Saturday, September 8, 2012

Next On The Program, A Very Smart Man Says They're Lying To You

If you're watching our program you probably don't like smart people. But that's all going to change, because next on the show is Steve. Even though Steve is a smart person himself, he's going to show you how other smart people have been lying to you all along. Steve's the good kind of smart. He's one of us. Steve?

Thanks, Ted. Now, as you can see from the caption I am very smart. I seem to have a real degree from a school you've heard of. So you can believe me when I say that everyone like me - everyone else, I mean - is lying to you. They've been doing it for years. Look at this chart.

I do not understand any of that, Steve.

I know, right? That's how unbelieveably smart I am. But I'll boil it down so your audience can remember a couple of sentences, and then repeat them the next time they meet someone smarter than they are... but not as smart as me.

That would really help.

Now this is a subject of unimaginable complexity. But I'm going to say some things that sure make sense in a conventional way. So if you haven't spent 20 years studying the subject, you're going to be inclined to just accept this as proof they've all been lying to you, all this time. Every one of them. Your teachers. Your government. The media...

The media... >Snort<

Oh, they're the worst.

Yeah, and like you say, you're very smart.

I am very, very smart. Can we show my degree again? Thanks.

Okay, if you're some kind of liberal arts major who just stumbled onto our program, I'd imagine you're crapping your shorts right now.

Correct, Ted. Not everybody watching this is already part of our insane subculture. Some of you didn't believe everyone was lying to you. But look at this chart. And look at my degree. You don't know enough to disprove what I'm saying, do you? I could be making this up. I could be ignoring all kinds of data. And of course, I'm not publishing this in any reputable peer-reviewed journal. This crap's on YouTube. But right now that gives you subtle, creepy doubts about the whole concept of what's "reputable" and what's "peer-reviewed," doesn't it?

Steve's matrixing you.

I'm totally matrixing them, Ted. Terrifying isn't it? You just can't know that your entire intellectual life up to this moment hasn't been one enormous lie. It hits you how often you do that, how often you trust an expert of some kind to tell you about subjects which you're only informed of in the most ridiculously shallow way.

And it's getting worse.

It's really getting worse, Ted. Doesn't it seem like it? Okay, look at some more numbers, join my scary group, or turn this thing off, and try Googling your way back to the light... Whatever you do, you still know they're lying to you. That's not something you doubt. They're lying!

They really are.

They really are, Ted.


  1. Wow; I think that's the most perfect generalization of the standard denialist/conspiracy theorist argument I've ever seen.


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