Tuesday, October 23, 2012

"Maybe We Can Agree On Romney," By A Terrifying Lunatic

Hi! I was down in my basement filing off the serial numbers on some rifles, and I thought I'd take a moment to chat.

Lately I've been feeling really, really optimistic about this country. I think ol' Mitt might pull this off. It's wonderful, isn't it? Many of you aren't sure about people like me - because I want to go back to the gold standard, and I get my foreign policy ideas from the sketchier parts of the Bible. But it looks like we both might be able to agree that Mitt Romney ought to be president of this country. Romney seems to have convinced a good chunk of undecided voters that he's the kind of reasonable centrist they can trust. And he convinced folks like me that he'll further our goals of ending gay rights and bringing on the Rapture. So I guess we have a deal, huh?

Honestly, I never thought I would get much of a voice. I think climate change is a hoax, along with evolution and some ideas about female biology I don't like. I've always believed we need to bring this country back to a pre-industrial agrarian system where people treat their own illnesses with prayer and folk medicine. Naturally I want to help Israel rebuild the Temple so Jesus can return and soak the world in the blood of the wicked. So... it's been tough finding someone electable who doesn't make me feel like I'm selling out my own unique vision. Thank goodness for Mitt Romney!

Now some of you say he's not that conservative. He sounded like a hippy during that last debate. And at the first one he was channeling Bruce Springsteen for goshsakes. You probably think he's going to govern like a pro-business moderate, and he won't get us in a war with Iran, or pick a Supreme Court justice who makes condoms illegal and brings back the pillory. We'll have to find out, won't we? I'm pretty happy I have to tell you.

Anyway, back to work. I have some copies of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate to scan, and maybe a quick armed patrol later. See you on election day. I hope Romney is everything you're counting on him to be.

Within reason, of course.

After all, you guys are renting him. But we bought the son of a bitch.

(Note: Photo by ProgressOhio published under Creative Commons license. Information here.)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails