Thursday, October 4, 2012

"Mitt Romney Doesn't Scare Me," By Big Bird

Hey, Chuckles. It's me. The Bird. Big Yellow. I'm calling you out.

Do it, Mitt. Fire my feathery ass. I'm not worried.

Here's what happens. Day one: you kill PBS. Day two: I liquidate some investments, take a meeting with Disney so they can slap my face on some Chinese-made swag, and they turn a money hose on me for it. Day three: I'm living in a McMansion with a pile of strippers, and the only thing I'm complaining about is the weather in Orlando.

Day four is when you're screwed, Mitt. Or probably the American people. Because that's when it becomes obvious that your numbers don't add up. Cut PBS -- hell, throw NPR on the fire and just defund the entire Corporation for Public Broadcasting. That adds up to about $400 million and change. That won't even cover a tiny fraction of your tax cuts, which Politifact and both agree will cost us $480 billion by 2015. I'm a guy who talks to a big, hairy elephant acid-freakout, but you're the one who's not serious. Oh yeah, you're going to close some loopholes you won't tell us about. See? I'm not the only one with an imaginary friend.

And I'm not even mentioning your godawful defense spending. What did you promise? "A military that's so strong no nation will ever dare to test it"? That sounds pretty goddamn expensive.

Look, here's a breakdown of the federal budget from the Heritage Foundation, who are not exactly a bunch of leftists. We spend 43% on Social Security and Medicare and the like. We spend 19% on defense. So if you don't touch any of that, and you add to the problem with tax cuts and defense increases - maybe launch another war against Iran to get a boost in the polls around the midterm elections - the only way to square the circle is to absolutely gut everything in the government. Best case scenario for you is you create a country where rich people do extremely well, and they live in gated communities and go to private schools, while the rest of the country looks like an episode of Deadwood. But that won't really happen, because Congress will fight you on your cuts, and the compromise will just be that you guys add to the deficit some more. How do we know this? That's been the go-to compromise for decades, pal.

You conservatives trot out these stupid, fiscally inconsequential social programs so you can beat up on them for your voting base. You claim you're being serious about the budget, but your numbers come from this enormous black hole. I've been a celebrity for decades, Mitt, and I've saved some serious moolah. If you wreck the country's finances, I'll do fine. People like me always do. We have accountants and wait staff and houses in plenty of places. You know all about that, don't you, horse boy? But ordinary people are going to pay for these stupid promises. No one is going to forget that.

This message is brought to you by the letters F and U.

(Photo by KUHT under Creative Commons license. Information here.)


  1. Big Bird, the US Government spends absolutely zero dollars on Social Security and Medicare, because us tax payers are billed separately for those programs.

    Kevin Schmidt

    1. The relationship between these funds and the US government's budget is pretty complicated, and it involves trends, and forecasts, and credit ratings, and I'm just a big fucking bird.

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