NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?
My opponent is a decent man. I'm sure he loves this country. But I find his lack of faith disturbing.
He doesn't believe in our essential goodness. As you know he began his administration with an apology tour, criticizing our lethal robots and our planet-killing ray. But I will never apologize for our values, or for that ray, which has obliterated hundreds of worlds and made us safe. To apologize for destroying someone's home communicates weakness, and it invites attacks from the rebels we fight. No, my friends, fear will keep the systems in line. Fear of this battle station.
...And the Dark Side of the Force. My church is very important to me, as you know. It's where I find the strength to defend our way of life. Our leaders have always been proud of their beliefs. Levitating prisoners and crushing their windpipes with our minds has been a vital expression of our political culture. My opponent says he can someone's windpipe with his mind, and I take him at his word.
But my opponent also wants to burden our private industries with regulation, destroying jobs and suffocating economic growth. We can't have bureaucrats picking winners and losers as we expand the Empire. We need to trust entrepreneurs, business leaders, to do the important work of finding economic opportunity and creating wealth. Did you know at least four different agencies have to review every permit before a contractor can build a small thermal exhaust port? That is ridiculous. I think we should start letting construction companies have the freedom to do what they do best - you don't need someone in the government telling you where to put a thermal exhaust port! We're stifling the free market with this kind of attitude. When I become president, the future will be much, much brighter - as bright as a small sun. That's a promise.
You can control your fear. Now, release your anger. Vote Republican.
(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)