Many Christians out there love the spooky fun of Halloween, but some of you have concerns. You might want to make sure that you're not taking part in some kind of activity that glorifies the devil. Okay, this will help. Just answer these questions:
1. Do you believe evolution is incorrect?
2. Do you believe that men and women have very different God-given roles in a marriage, and that a woman should submit to her husband?
3. Do you worry that anti-bullying programs encourage homosexuality, which is a dangerous lifestyle choice?
4. Are Gandhi, Carl Sagan, and Freddie Mercury in the same place, and does that place lack air conditioning?
Okay. If you answered yes to these questions, Halloween is something you should definitely celebrate. In fact you should move to a beach town and try to work at a haunted house a few months out of the year, if you can. Buy a pet bat. Find out if Iron Maiden are still touring, and follow them. These things will help you relate to the people around you better.
Why? Because your Christian faith is the terrifying kind. I think I can speak for everyone around you - the gay new age guy in the next cubicle, the moderate Episcopalian who carpools with you, and your entire atheist IT department - when I say that every time you open your mouth it's like being trapped in a scene from Children of the Corn. October 31 is the one time you get to feel the kind of creepiness you're radiating outward the other 364 days a year. You probably don't go a single day without making someone feel like it's Halloween. And not just the holiday either - I mean when you speak the rest of us imagine we're cowering in a closet and desperately swatting at you with a coat-hanger, but you keep... coming... after us.
Please go out for candy and goblins. And get scared and unnerved, and come back with a new perspective about people who are different from you. Stop being such a cheery, dead-eyed monster who's so convinced you know how the entire universe works. Stop saying hateful things wrapped in sugary fake concern for people's souls. Stop being so awful. Just for one night. Just to see how it feels.
If you don't like it, you can always go back to being an ignorant bigot. Christmas is just around the corner.