"Everyone's gotta look-a at de penis! A masterpiece of-a da sculpture from de Renaissance, and all you can see is-a de johnson."
Okay. That's enough of that undignified nonsense. The writer and I had a huge argument about this. He said you'd laugh at a giant marble phallus sounding like the Mario Brothers. I told him no actual person ever talked like that, and he'd just embarrass himself. I told him to give his audience some credit. But maybe that brings us to an important point.
It's me. The dick on the David. The only thing you can see when you look at one of the greatest works of art any human being has ever created. Let's talk about a troubling scandal at the highest levels of our national security apparatus. The one you didn't notice, because you're all too busy thinking about the CIA chief... y'know, doin' it.
A couple of days ago a federal appeals court in Chicago stopped two Americans from suing Donald Rumsfeld because they were detained and tortured by US forces. The court "found those along the military command chain enjoy broad immunity from such torture claims," according to the article in the Washington Post. Many of you are already tuning this out, aren't you? You're saying that our spies and soldiers have to cut corners to get the bad guys sometimes. Well, guess what? These guys, Donald Vance and Nathan Ertel, claim they were working with the FBI. According to their complaint - here, read it - they reported potentially embarrassing corruption among private companies working in Iraq. US government officials allegedly wanted to find out what information had leaked out to our law enforcement, so they had Ertel and Vance declared possible enemy combatants, detained and tortured. So, just to be clear here, there is real evidence - if there were any doubt in your mind at all - that US government officials use these counterterrorist legal shortcuts to criminalize dissent and silence whistleblowers. And now we'll never know the whole story, because the courts are protecting people in power from any accountability.
And all you Obama supporters do not have anything to feel smug about. Last year, the president signed a law that allowed "the military to indefinitely detain terror suspects, including American citizens arrested in the United States, without charge."
As a nation you get so passionate about picking Candidate A over Candidate B, that you don't notice the terrible continuous progress your national security bureaucrats are making toward taking your liberties away - no matter who is in the Oval Office. Wiretapping, detention, covert operations beyond any real legal control, TSA officers acting like thugs... these things continue. You are slowly but surely becoming exactly the kind of cruddy little authoritarian government your CIA has bankrolled all over the world. But you don't really care, unless you can use it to defend your political heroes or vilify your political foes. Plus, there's always a sex scandal to get worked up about. Erections and elections - that's the entire American political conversation.
Like any penis, I'm a realist. I know I have to bring it back to the sex scandal if I want to keep you reading... so think on this: Gen. David Petraeus is a vain, duplicitous turd, and you have given him entirely too much power and entirely too little supervision. But there's a whole government like that guy - and this fact does not change every four years. Between campaigns, between soap operas on CNN and Fox... You have a job to do as citizens. This level of disinterest is definitely NSFW.