Friday, November 2, 2012

"After The Election I Can Come Out Of My Cage," By Michele Bachmann

Like many Americans I can not wait for this election to end. The partisanship, the dishonesty, the bitter accusations. And all those ads! Ugh. Haven't you had enough? I know I'm a politician, but I completely share your disgust with all this nonsense.

I have an additional reason to be excited that this will soon be over. That's because Republican party operatives have been keeping me in a reinforced steel dog cage in a basement in Northern Virginia for the past few weeks. They are feeding me a mix of fruit and egg whites to keep my hair and teeth shiny and in good condition. They have a lookalike running my campaign back in Minnesota. Evidently I'm not doing so hot, but you never know. People in the party say I can come out after this race.

"Go on TV, do press releases, knock yourself out," one of them told me. "Say any crazy fiddlestick thing you can think of." Only he didn't use the word, fiddlestick.
And believe me, there is so much I have to tell you. Gosh, we need to alert this nation to the dangers of all those hidden Muslim radicals only I can see. Plus, fight the homosexual agenda and make sure high school science classes are free from demonic forces.

I've had a lot of time down here to talk to St. Jerome and save my nail clippings in a stack of jars, and I'm ready to be a part of our national political discussion again. Others like me in the GOP need to speak up about witchcraft in the Coast Guard and how anti-bullying programs are recruiting young people as gay jihadists. We need to finally put an end to Iran and other countries that aren't Godly.

I need a shower and a hot meal. And I need a place on the big stage again. I miss when people had to listen to me tell them the truth. And if Mitt wins, he'll have to give folks like me places in government. They promised there'd be something. Maybe the EPA or the Department of Education. Even a committee post would help, if we won the right elections.

One way or the other, I will be back and above ground this fall. And if you vote Republican people who share my beliefs will be totally off the leash, so we can do something about this country.

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