Monday, November 26, 2012

"I Usually Say 'Happy Holidays,'" By Jesus Christ

Honestly? It's just a matter of politeness. Some people don't celebrate my birthday, and I try not to make anyone feel uncomfortable about it. I'm like that.

Plus, there are - and I am not exaggerating - a lot of Jewish people in my family. I spent my whole life with them, and yeah, they don't really approve of my career as the Messiah. But families are always like that. You think I want folks celebrating my birthday by taking an entire month to turn America into a sparkly, glowing Gentilepalooza, and making everyone I'm related to feel isolated and weird? Seriously, what kind of massive douche would that make me? If your idea of celebrating my season is making an elderly Wal-Mart greeter offend a few hundred cousins of mine, you just have no idea who I am or what I want.

"Happy holidays," is sincere, accurate, and warm-hearted. What's wrong with it? If you know the other guy worships me, go ahead, wish him a Merry Christmas. Get crazy with the eggnog. Go to midnight service. Stash a mini-manger in every room, if you like. But why would anyone want to put pressure on some big box store to make their signage more Christian? Like the reason I came down here was so I could get wall space at Target.

Look, none of this is really about celebrating me at all. It's to show that you're a member of a club, and that club has economic and political power. Well, leave me out of it. I was offered that sort of deal, you know. I had a whole conversation on top of a mountain with someone, and that's exactly what he put on the table. I turned it down. So should you.

Remember: It's my day, not Rupert Murdoch's. You don't want to end up where he's going.


  1. Really, we are celebrating Saturnalia, the old Roman five day debauch that rounded out the year. Likewise various solstice celebrations.

    JC was probably born in March. At least, that's what Christians thought for a number of centuries.

    The whole December 25th thing was like the pirate radio practice of "snuggling." You set up your frequency just a hair higher or lower than a really popular legit station. Then the people tuning to the big station hit yours first. The early Christians wanted to nail the big "light in the darkness" metaphor, so solstice. Eyostr was the big fertility festival (eggs, bunnies) so they put the rebirth bit next to that one.

    So really, we shouldn't be shopping or going to church in late December. We should be overeating, drinking heavily, and fornicating like crazed stoats.

    1. "So really, we shouldn't be shopping or going to church in late December. We should be overeating, drinking heavily, and fornicating like crazed stoats."

      So, you've been to one of my neighborhood's Holiday Parties?

    2. As an Orthodox Christian, we celebrate Christmas on January 7th (which is December 25th in the old calendar). I enjoy being removed from the materialistic side of the holidays. We celebrate the Nativity of Christ as a religious holiday, rather than secular holiday that adds Christ when convenient.

  2. Reply to Anonymous Re: Neighborhood Parties:

    I've never been to one of your neighborhood holiday parties, because *I've never been invited.* Willing to travel.


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