NOTE: From now until the election I'm writing a series of posts with Mitt Romney channeling different movie bad guys. Read them all! Won't that be fun? Possibly the last fun we'll ever have in this country?
My opponent spent his entire career in government, trying to stifle innovation and punish success. He thinks that's the way to get this country out of its economic crisis - but we know he's wrong.
I know what to do, because I've been out here in the private sector - specifically the shipping lanes of the North Atlantic ocean. I know what it takes to get things moving again. And I have a five point plan to fix this country:
Step 1: Float here.
Step 2: Conceal 90% of my mass beneath the icy waters.
Step 3: Remain perfectly silent, except for the sickening creak I make when I strike something.
Step 4: Drift in and out of the path of seagoing vessels as the currents change.
Step 5: Wait for the job creation to start.
He says I'm not being fully honest about my plan - that it guarantees something terrible will happen. But you have my word that no matter what details remain open, I will not cause some horrific loss of human life.
A presidential candidate needs to be flexible. I'm going to negotiate with other actors in the system. A massive liner and some rescue ships, perhaps. I can't go into every little loophole, because then I'd have no room to maneuver. I think the voters understand that.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I've spent my whole career doing this.
Many, many times.
(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)