Mr. Cthulhu, Old Ones, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished shoggoths... Thanks for inviting me!
And may I just say... a hearty Cthulhu fhtagn to you all. (Applause.)
It is really great to be in R'lyeh. I know I'm from Michigan and Massachusetts, and a couple of other important states, but every time I come down to this sunken corpse city I just feel like I can relax, you know? Something about this place feels like home. My family used to take vacations here, and I fell in love with it. The air smells dank - a good kind of dank. Tentacles are the right height here. Just a special, special place. Coming back is important, because it helps me reconnect with my values. And also find out what those values are.
Because your average politician starts his campaign with a listening tour to discover what his potential supporters need. But I'm not your average politician. I've turned my entire political career into a listening tour. I want you to feel like you have someone in the White House who will represent you no matter what sick, hideous thing you people have in mind. Guaranteed.
Unifying the GOP will be a real challenge this election. Some of you want tax cuts. Some want an end to gay marriage. And some want to crack open the minds of men so you can fill them with madness and eat their souls like Skittles. As for what I want... I just really want to finally be president. You say the word, and ol' Mitt'll get right to it. Whatever it is. I will shoot and cook the elderly on live TV if you can promise me I won't lose Florida. I know you're big on bringing about the blood-soaked end of humanity, and let me tell you that is not a problem. I've got some religious supporters who are right there with you.
We clear on this? You and the rest of the GOP cook up whatever unholy scheme you want to inflict on this country, and I will sign that baby into law. Golly, I'm just going to be happy sitting in the big chair.
And before I go, I want to say something personal. It's good to see the Cheneys here. Dick, you're looking better than ever. I mean that. I think you're going to live another 254 years, Mr. Vice President. (Applause. Laughter.)
Well, folks. On to November! (Applause. Laughter. Evil piping.)
(Note: Pictures are public domain, except for the following, which are under Creative Commons License, with information linked: Photo of Romney in Ames, IA by Iowapolitics.com; Photo of blue bottle fly by JJ Harrison; Multiple images of Cthulhu taken from single illustration by Rodrigue Pellaud; illustration of Elder Sign by Waerloeg. Can't remember where I got the headshot of Ryan Seacrest. Come at me, bitches.)
In Memoriam - Yes, I've fallen behind. Sorry. Maggie Roche, of The Roches ("We don't give out our ages and we don't give out our phone numbers.") William A. Hilliard, jo...