Saturday, June 2, 2012

Mitt Romney Addresses Cthulhu And Other Supporters At A R'lyeh Fundraiser

Mr. Cthulhu, Old Ones, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished shoggoths... Thanks for inviting me!

And may I just say... a hearty Cthulhu fhtagn to you all. (Applause.)

It is really great to be in R'lyeh. I know I'm from Michigan and Massachusetts, and a couple of other important states, but every time I come down to this sunken corpse city I just feel like I can relax, you know? Something about this place feels like home. My family used to take vacations here, and I fell in love with it. The air smells dank - a good kind of dank. Tentacles are the right height here. Just a special, special place. Coming back is important, because it helps me reconnect with my values. And also find out what those values are.

Because your average politician starts his campaign with a listening tour to discover what his potential supporters need. But I'm not your average politician. I've turned my entire political career into a listening tour. I want you to feel like you have someone in the White House who will represent you no matter what sick, hideous thing you people have in mind. Guaranteed.

Unifying the GOP will be a real challenge this election. Some of you want tax cuts. Some want an end to gay marriage. And some want to crack open the minds of men so you can fill them with madness and eat their souls like Skittles. As for what I want... I just really want to finally be president. You say the word, and ol' Mitt'll get right to it. Whatever it is. I will shoot and cook the elderly on live TV if you can promise me I won't lose Florida. I know you're big on bringing about the blood-soaked end of humanity, and let me tell you that is not a problem. I've got some religious supporters who are right there with you.

We clear on this? You and the rest of the GOP cook up whatever unholy scheme you want to inflict on this country, and I will sign that baby into law. Golly, I'm just going to be happy sitting in the big chair.

And before I go, I want to say something personal. It's good to see the Cheneys here. Dick, you're looking better than ever. I mean that. I think you're going to live another 254 years, Mr. Vice President. (Applause. Laughter.)

Well, folks. On to November! (Applause. Laughter. Evil piping.)


(Note: Pictures are public domain, except for the following, which are under Creative Commons License, with information linked: Photo of Romney in Ames, IA by Iowapolitics.com; Photo of blue bottle fly by JJ Harrison; Multiple images of Cthulhu taken from single illustration by Rodrigue Pellaud; illustration of Elder Sign by Waerloeg. Can't remember where I got the headshot of Ryan Seacrest. Come at me, bitches.)

Friday, June 1, 2012

Navy SEAL Teams To Hunt And Kill Morgan Freeman

Responding to a crisis unprecedented in this nation's history, Pentagon officials announced yesterday that the US Naval Special Warfare Command has dispatched SEAL teams on a mission to kill award-winning actor Morgan Freeman.

"The terror Freeman represents will end once and for all," Defense Secretary Leon Panetta vowed during a press announcement. "The world needs to know that America will stand up to its enemies and silence their soothing baritone voices of evil." Analysts agree that a high-profile announcement of this kind of mission is unheard of. But then again, so is the situation faced by policymakers.

"For years, we've speculated we could reach the Freeman Point," political commentator William Kristol said on Fox News this morning. "It seemed crazy when they first came up with it. But here we are, man. Here we goddamn are." A 2006 Heritage Foundation report predicted that as the percentage of Americans with basic knowledge of history, geography, and politics declined, and the number of countries which American forces intervened in or occupied rose (See chart at left), the country would reach a theoretical point of convergence when most people began to think the entire world was simply part of an ongoing US civil war.

At this time, the document speculated, the celebrated Ken Burns documentary on the subject would suddenly appear to be some kind of contemporaneous news report, and the once-mellow and inviting voice of Morgan Freeman featured in it would seem to turn sinister, as if Freeman were some kind of hostile warlord issuing threats against civilians.

"The administration will be forced to scale back military interventions and drastically improve US educational standards to bring our policies and the competence of our citizenry back into some kind of relationship with each other," the report concluded. "The only possible alternative would be to conduct an ill-advised, unconstitutional military operation against a beloved entertainer. Americans would simply never stand for it."

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Morgan Freeman needs to get shot in the face," said Ann Coulter at a rally to support US troops. "He sucked in Lethal Weapon, and now he's going to pay for it."

Still the administration has faced some criticism for its decision.

"When Paul Revere jumped down off that helicopter and killed King George, they weren't afraid to release the pictures," Sarah Palin said during a radio interview. "But this president wants to keep them hidden. He did when we killed Saddam and sadly, that's how it's going to be with Tom Friedman." Callers seemed to agree.

"How are we going to know about it if that shit's not on Youtube?" asked one man. "I need to keep up with all the stuff we're doing."


(Note: Picture of Freeman taken from larger image by David Sifry and used under Creative Commons license; Information here.)
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