Saturday, September 8, 2012

Next On The Program, A Very Smart Man Says They're Lying To You

If you're watching our program you probably don't like smart people. But that's all going to change, because next on the show is Steve. Even though Steve is a smart person himself, he's going to show you how other smart people have been lying to you all along. Steve's the good kind of smart. He's one of us. Steve?

Thanks, Ted. Now, as you can see from the caption I am very smart. I seem to have a real degree from a school you've heard of. So you can believe me when I say that everyone like me - everyone else, I mean - is lying to you. They've been doing it for years. Look at this chart.

I do not understand any of that, Steve.

I know, right? That's how unbelieveably smart I am. But I'll boil it down so your audience can remember a couple of sentences, and then repeat them the next time they meet someone smarter than they are... but not as smart as me.

That would really help.

Now this is a subject of unimaginable complexity. But I'm going to say some things that sure make sense in a conventional way. So if you haven't spent 20 years studying the subject, you're going to be inclined to just accept this as proof they've all been lying to you, all this time. Every one of them. Your teachers. Your government. The media...

The media... >Snort<

Oh, they're the worst.

Yeah, and like you say, you're very smart.

I am very, very smart. Can we show my degree again? Thanks.

Okay, if you're some kind of liberal arts major who just stumbled onto our program, I'd imagine you're crapping your shorts right now.

Correct, Ted. Not everybody watching this is already part of our insane subculture. Some of you didn't believe everyone was lying to you. But look at this chart. And look at my degree. You don't know enough to disprove what I'm saying, do you? I could be making this up. I could be ignoring all kinds of data. And of course, I'm not publishing this in any reputable peer-reviewed journal. This crap's on YouTube. But right now that gives you subtle, creepy doubts about the whole concept of what's "reputable" and what's "peer-reviewed," doesn't it?

Steve's matrixing you.

I'm totally matrixing them, Ted. Terrifying isn't it? You just can't know that your entire intellectual life up to this moment hasn't been one enormous lie. It hits you how often you do that, how often you trust an expert of some kind to tell you about subjects which you're only informed of in the most ridiculously shallow way.

And it's getting worse.

It's really getting worse, Ted. Doesn't it seem like it? Okay, look at some more numbers, join my scary group, or turn this thing off, and try Googling your way back to the light... Whatever you do, you still know they're lying to you. That's not something you doubt. They're lying!

They really are.

They really are, Ted.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Message From Karl Marx To The Commonwealth Of Virginia

You're a bunch of commies.

You know that, right? I figured I'd just get it out there. It's kind of my specialty. Your major population centers - everything in the eastern part of the state except maybe Richmond itself - are part of one massive worker's paradise. You people are redder than Billy Bragg wearing a Che shirt on a May Day Parade float and singing The Internationale.

If you're a Virginian you're probably either in the military, or you're retired and doing contract work for the military, or consulting for the military, or you live in a military town, and your economy, your tax base, and the value of your home are all propped up by the federal government. You have ranks, uniforms, security clearances, and state-run hospitals, grocery stores, and housing. Engels and I came up with a lot of crazy crap in the early days. But even we didn't think we'd get to tag you all like cattle.

You might argue that because it's all defense spending, it somehow doesn't count toward making you a Bolshevik. Like communist countries don't have huge military budgets or something. I hate admitting this, but honey, in those commie countries - past and present - the strongest institution they have is the military. It's the last thing to go. Have you noticed that? The only difference with you guys is you use defense funding for huge infrastructure projects everywhere but in your own damn home. It's like you wanted to find a way to make communism even less productive. Jesus, that's crazy. That's Berkeley-faculty-meeting crazy. And I would know.

Mind you I was always kind of a fan of massive government-run institutions. Whole theory about how that'd bring about a classless utopia. That didn't quite work out, but that's not the point. I'm just saying you should call it what it is. And it's important to say this, because your country is having an election this year, and you guys are in a swing state. So both parties are going to pander to you. We'll hear all kinds of nonsense about sensible, conservative-minded folks who could vote either way, because they just want a stronger, more fiscally-responsible America. Cable networks will probably have some man on the street interview with a dude outside an Arlington bar in a Ron Paul t-shirt talking about his concerns that Romney won't cut the deficit.

He'll be from Booz Allen.

And that wheezing sound you'll hear in the background? That'll be me laughing at you from beyond the grave.
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