Thursday, October 4, 2012

"Mitt Romney Doesn't Scare Me," By Big Bird

Hey, Chuckles. It's me. The Bird. Big Yellow. I'm calling you out.

Do it, Mitt. Fire my feathery ass. I'm not worried.

Here's what happens. Day one: you kill PBS. Day two: I liquidate some investments, take a meeting with Disney so they can slap my face on some Chinese-made swag, and they turn a money hose on me for it. Day three: I'm living in a McMansion with a pile of strippers, and the only thing I'm complaining about is the weather in Orlando.

Day four is when you're screwed, Mitt. Or probably the American people. Because that's when it becomes obvious that your numbers don't add up. Cut PBS -- hell, throw NPR on the fire and just defund the entire Corporation for Public Broadcasting. That adds up to about $400 million and change. That won't even cover a tiny fraction of your tax cuts, which Politifact and both agree will cost us $480 billion by 2015. I'm a guy who talks to a big, hairy elephant acid-freakout, but you're the one who's not serious. Oh yeah, you're going to close some loopholes you won't tell us about. See? I'm not the only one with an imaginary friend.

And I'm not even mentioning your godawful defense spending. What did you promise? "A military that's so strong no nation will ever dare to test it"? That sounds pretty goddamn expensive.

Look, here's a breakdown of the federal budget from the Heritage Foundation, who are not exactly a bunch of leftists. We spend 43% on Social Security and Medicare and the like. We spend 19% on defense. So if you don't touch any of that, and you add to the problem with tax cuts and defense increases - maybe launch another war against Iran to get a boost in the polls around the midterm elections - the only way to square the circle is to absolutely gut everything in the government. Best case scenario for you is you create a country where rich people do extremely well, and they live in gated communities and go to private schools, while the rest of the country looks like an episode of Deadwood. But that won't really happen, because Congress will fight you on your cuts, and the compromise will just be that you guys add to the deficit some more. How do we know this? That's been the go-to compromise for decades, pal.

You conservatives trot out these stupid, fiscally inconsequential social programs so you can beat up on them for your voting base. You claim you're being serious about the budget, but your numbers come from this enormous black hole. I've been a celebrity for decades, Mitt, and I've saved some serious moolah. If you wreck the country's finances, I'll do fine. People like me always do. We have accountants and wait staff and houses in plenty of places. You know all about that, don't you, horse boy? But ordinary people are going to pay for these stupid promises. No one is going to forget that.

This message is brought to you by the letters F and U.

(Photo by KUHT under Creative Commons license. Information here.)

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's Adorable How Republicans Just Discovered We Have A Constitution

Dear Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, and the rest of the GOP:

It's very, very inspiring how hard you're trying to win this thing. I mean it. I want you to know that no matter what happens this November, you can all be proud of yourselves, because you really gave it your best. Hugs all around! You people are so special for putting yourself out there, every one of you.

Winning isn't everything, okay? Chin up!

And what's also important is how much you learned about this wonderful nation, and about our political system. Because that system depends on rules laid out in - and I just love how enthusiastic you are about this, people - The Constitution. Your commercials and your speeches show some real comprehension. You have come a long, long way, believe me. Only a few years ago you were saying stuff like, "Well, why can't we just stuff some people in a secret prison?" But now, listening to you talk about rights and the rule of law... it makes me proud.

Okay. Don't get too depressed about this, but you still need to make some progress. A couple items, off the top of my head:
  • The First Amendment is not just for religious people. It's for other folks too. Go read that again; I think you missed a few spots.
  • The Second and Tenth Amendments are great, but there are other amendments in between that are just as important. I know, I know. It's hard!
  • Tackling the deficit is important and cutting taxes is important, but you kinda have to pick between them. That's not a Constitutional issue. It's just math. Double check it, okay?
Look, I don't want to be too harsh here. Because you're doing sooooo super compared to last time. One of the most beautiful things about America is every four years the party out of power gets to fall in love with our Constitution all over again. That's what being out of power is for. It's like taking a break so you can learn, and sometimes relearn, the fundamentals.

I think you Republicans are at the beginning of a long and fulfilling journey to discover what that great document is really about.

Good luck!
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