Wednesday, October 17, 2012

"I've Got Binders For All You People," By Mitt Romney

It's not just women. I have binders for all kinds of folks. Really. That's how important this is to me. All classes, both genders. Every culture. Every ethnic group. My campaign advisors say I can't start listing them, because it will sound really really bad for some reason. But I want you to know that no matter what type you are, Romney's gonna have a person like you in this administration. Okay? Doesn't that make you feel better?

Face it, it's going to be tough when I get elected, and we finally announce where all that money for rich people tax cuts and aircraft carriers is coming from. Some of you will be upset. But it'll sting much less when you turn on that TV and notice the person telling you you can't have your meds looks a lot like you. Am I right?

I have a shitload of Latinos - whole goddamn room of 'em. Sorry. That just slipped out.

You have to know I care. I care about women and different kinds of minorities and especially middle class working people. Not that women and minorities don't work! I'm not saying that! I'm not! (Jesus, that was close.)

What I am saying is that everyone in this country is suffering, and I am deeply concerned about that suffering. That's the core of who I am. You're going to think I'm some ridiculously rich white guy who pays obscenely low taxes, says he likes firing people, owns a car elevator and a dressage horse, assaulted a kid in school just because he was different, picked an Ayn Rand fan for his veep, strapped his dog to the hood of his car, and revealed that he believes almost half the people in this country are completely beneath his contempt. The Democrats are going to tell you I'm callous and unfeeling, the standard bearer for a creepy, mean-spirited party that believes women don't have privacy rights, climate change and evolution are hoaxes, gay people are second class citizens, any war is a good war, and cruelty and indifference are wholesome American virtues.

But that's not me, alright? Ignore the Mitt Romney I've spent my whole life becoming. That guy's gone. Just pay attention to the guy I'm trying to act like for these last couple of weeks before the general election. This Mitt Romney is going to do whatever he can to be your buddy. Honest.

We've got an evangelical gay guy to make the announcement about Don't Ask Don't Tell. Seriously. Okay, I'll stop now.

(Photo by JaumeBG used under Creative Commons license. File information here.)
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