Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A Message To Alex Jones From "Catcher In The Rye" And The White Album

We haven't said jack to you, bro.

Nothing. Okay? Have we made that clear? We also checked with Hale-Bopp, Jesus, and the CIA mind-control stations. They're beaming instructions to all kinds of people. But not you, man. And that dog who was chatting up Son of Sam? Hit by a car, way back. Kind of sad the way it happened, actually. Anyway, he's out.

No one, absolutely no one, is giving Alex Jones messages. So how the hell do you know everybody's secret thoughts? How do you know the game plan?

Most of your argument depends on mind reading. Has that occurred to you? Sure, you get loud and angry, and you make fun of people for being foreigners... but beneath that your assertions all rest on the claim that you know the secret intentions of a worldwide conspiracy of government leaders and businessmen.

The bankers who control the world are trying to get America's guns, so they can create some tyrannical regime like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union. And somehow this hidden scheme has escaped everyone's notice, everyone except you. And when people disagree with you it just means that they are part of the conspiracy. It gets larger with every news show, doesn't it?

Okay, well. That's one possibility. We checked pretty thoroughly, but maybe someone else is sending you the information. Aliens? Time travelers?

Here's an alternative theory though:

People don't like watching children get shot to death.

You show a pile of dead kids on TV, and folks get sick to their stomachs. They learn some crazy person had access to lethal weapons, and they think of all the other times this happened.

"Jesus," they mutter to themselves. "We have to stop it." And politicians respond to this, because politicians are in the business of winning elections. Sure, maybe they're also building robot armies and covering up 9/11. But those are side projects. Saving kids is the vote-getter.

Also... those ordinary folks watch people like you, people defending the guns, and you look absolutely crazy too. You are enraged, rude, loud, incapable of focus, convinced of byzantine plots against you, and very proud of being heavily armed. Watching you, folks are saying, "That guy needs a helmet in case he starts hitting himself." You are not part of the mental health solution, Alex. You're clearly in the problem column.

And you're not alone. Boy, we thought we were pretty jaded about whack-jobs. But the internet is filled with lunatics defending their right - if they start getting angry enough about the government - to shoot their neighbors someday. That's the whole "defend-against-tyranny" NRA argument, isn't it? I need to keep Lucille loaded and ready, because they might elect another Democrat, and then I'll have to go down to the Piggly Wiggly and start cleansing. The kind of person who loudly defends his right to an assault rifle tends to be the kind of person you wouldn't trust with nail-clippers.

So that's our hypothesis. And unlike you, we have plenty of evidence, Alex. So we're leaving you alone. Normally, we're pretty pro-crazy. But you, and your audience, are too depressing.


11 comments:

  1. Right after the 2001 9/11 attacks, the left LOVED Alex Jones. Loved him. Why? He was criticizing and blaming President Bush, of course. And anyone who did that was A-OK with the left. Yes-sir-ree!

    But now, he's goring the sacred ox of an issue the left holds near and dear to them, or (and more likely the case) at least they *claim* they care about because it's the politically correct position to take, they believe. So their slobbering love affair for Alex Jones has turned to calling him a nutter. He was useful for the time it suited them, and now he is to be cast aside, like Cindy Sheehen and so many others.

    Piers Morgan, watch out, you'll be next once you wander too far from the predetermined boundries dictated by the political left. Independent thought is not permitted in the world of paulbibeau and those like him.

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    1. Nope. Got me all wrong. Back then I was voting Republican, reading the National Review, and I mocked guys like Alex Jones, because conspiracy theorists are intellectually lazy whack-jobs.

      Now I vote Democrat, criticize Obama-era foreign policy from the left (Read my blog), and I still mock guys like Alex Jones, because conspiracy theorists have not stopped being intellectually lazy whack-jobs.

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    2. Nope, living in Austin as I do, I had a front row seat to the ranting and ravings of alex jones before anyone else in the US ever heard him fart.

      Me, being of the far Left variety, had long known that the guy was a certifiable nut job.

      I had the inglorious opportunity to work in the same access tv building as that moron. I can tell you from personal experience, everyone that worked there thought he was crazy and completely in need of meds.

      Nothing has changed.

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    3. So sorry to burst your bubble, but I've found this nutcase to be a deranged lunatic from the first moment I heard him rant his lunatic conspiracy theories, and I'm one who simply refuses to believe the OFFICIAL conspiracy theory concerning 9/11. I'm 100% convinced that those buildings were brought down by controlled demolition, and that elements high up in our own government were involved, at least in their complacency.

      More accurately, back then, you wacky wingnuts HATED Alex Jones, because he was openly criticizing the Bush/Cheney administration and accusing them of causing 9/11. Now that he's defending the scared cow of you gun nuts, he's a hero, and it's time to demonize the left. We call that "hypocrisy," wingnut.

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    4. Alex Jones didnt criticize Bush he put forth all kind of CIA mis-information conspiracy theories meant to discredit the people who are demanding an investigation into how 911 happened so that it never happens again.

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    5. And back then you hated him and now you defend him? Sound familiar?

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  2. 9/11 was indeed an inside job. The evidence is overwhelming! There's even a website approved by thousands of architects and engineers, which proves three World Trade Center buildings were brought down with timed demolition explosives.

    Kevin Schmidt

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    1. So Kevin when you say it was indeed an inside job... and the evidence is overwhelming, and a website (as in only one?) approved by thousands engineers and architects proves 3 World Trade centers were brought down with timed demolition explosives...(I'm going to take a stab and guess that then the pentagon wasn't airplane either, and probably not timed explosion but what.... a missile?)

      I'm curious would that degree of certainty be on the scale of something like the evidence for Newton's classical laws of motion or the overwhelming evidence of big foot's existence? Because me personally, I think there is overwhelming evidence that he is a creature from a parallel universe in the multiverse (cause thousands of cosmologists and theoretical physicists have proved the existence of other universes in a greater multiverse)It must because of this that big foot is always so blurry and out of focus... he is out of sync with our universe... I mean the evidence is so convincing but the general public doesn't believe us either and we too have many websites... That tyrannical Bibeau would never let me post their links here but you can find them just type in "psychic multidimensional yeti bigfoot travels between parallel universes" into Google and you'll be sure to find it. Besides that Newton guy was proven all wrong or something by Einstein... what do sheeple know anyway?

      Morgan Jones

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    2. Obvious, CIA planted, easily debunkable straw-man conspiracy theories, meant to drown out people like Michael Moore who in his movie Farhenheit 911 asked the real questions.

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  3. A website? About 9/11 conspiracy theories, you say? I can NOT believe it. This changes everything.

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