Open Thread: The Onion Reviews 'Independence Day: Resurgence' - The Onion. What are *your* plans for Independence Day Weekend? Open thread below....
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
A Message To Alex Jones From "Catcher In The Rye" And The White Album
Nothing. Okay? Have we made that clear? We also checked with Hale-Bopp, Jesus, and the CIA mind-control stations. They're beaming instructions to all kinds of people. But not you, man. And that dog who was chatting up Son of Sam? Hit by a car, way back. Kind of sad the way it happened, actually. Anyway, he's out.
No one, absolutely no one, is giving Alex Jones messages. So how the hell do you know everybody's secret thoughts? How do you know the game plan?
Most of your argument depends on mind reading. Has that occurred to you? Sure, you get loud and angry, and you make fun of people for being foreigners... but beneath that your assertions all rest on the claim that you know the secret intentions of a worldwide conspiracy of government leaders and businessmen.
The bankers who control the world are trying to get America's guns, so they can create some tyrannical regime like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union. And somehow this hidden scheme has escaped everyone's notice, everyone except you. And when people disagree with you it just means that they are part of the conspiracy. It gets larger with every news show, doesn't it?
Okay, well. That's one possibility. We checked pretty thoroughly, but maybe someone else is sending you the information. Aliens? Time travelers?
Here's an alternative theory though:
People don't like watching children get shot to death.
You show a pile of dead kids on TV, and folks get sick to their stomachs. They learn some crazy person had access to lethal weapons, and they think of all the other times this happened.
"Jesus," they mutter to themselves. "We have to stop it." And politicians respond to this, because politicians are in the business of winning elections. Sure, maybe they're also building robot armies and covering up 9/11. But those are side projects. Saving kids is the vote-getter.
Also... those ordinary folks watch people like you, people defending the guns, and you look absolutely crazy too. You are enraged, rude, loud, incapable of focus, convinced of byzantine plots against you, and very proud of being heavily armed. Watching you, folks are saying, "That guy needs a helmet in case he starts hitting himself." You are not part of the mental health solution, Alex. You're clearly in the problem column.
And you're not alone. Boy, we thought we were pretty jaded about whack-jobs. But the internet is filled with lunatics defending their right - if they start getting angry enough about the government - to shoot their neighbors someday. That's the whole "defend-against-tyranny" NRA argument, isn't it? I need to keep Lucille loaded and ready, because they might elect another Democrat, and then I'll have to go down to the Piggly Wiggly and start cleansing. The kind of person who loudly defends his right to an assault rifle tends to be the kind of person you wouldn't trust with nail-clippers.
So that's our hypothesis. And unlike you, we have plenty of evidence, Alex. So we're leaving you alone. Normally, we're pretty pro-crazy. But you, and your audience, are too depressing.