Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A Message To Ann Coulter From A Labrador Puppy

I just do not like you.

It's hard to admit. Part of me is still trying to deny it. But it's true. Honestly, I can think about any single other person on this planet, and I only want to run around their ankles yipping at them happily and then nibble their hands with my cute little needle-sharp teeth. But somehow you are just not doing it for me.

Do you understand how bad this is? I am the most popular type of dog in the United States, because I'm never supposed to find a single thing wrong with people. Tens of thousands of years of evolution are working inside my adorable head trying to make me overlook your awfulness, so you can scratch my ear and give me a snausage. And then I just... I just look at that stupid, mean smirk on your face, and I want to take you down like prey, Discovery Channel-style. Really. Watching you open your yap on Fox News makes me feel like a failure.

Is it because of those hideous things you've said about Muslims? Or the way you made fun of those 9/11 widows? Or... God, I don't want to do the list. Everyone already knows the list. Here's the latest. You wrote it in a paint-by-numbers piece against gun control:

Expect to hear a lot about Republicans preferring "the gun lobby" to "children." (Which is evidently not at all like preferring the teachers lobby to children.)

I think socked feet are creatures that burrow inside shoes, but your words break my brain. Let's be clear: The teachers' lobby isn't trying to make it easier to shoot kids, right? You see the difference? Never mind. Of course you don't. Because you've spent more than a decade proving that you don't care how mindlessly sadistic you sound to everyone around you. People in the GOP are doing some soul-searching about how they can stop being "the stupid party." Tuning you out would be a good place to begin.

Okay, I'm going to go hide under the dresser and chew something to calm down. Normally I'm the least judgmental thing alive. But lady, you are garbage.

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(Photo of Tara by NorwegianMarcus. Used under Creative Commons license; information here.)


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