Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Message To The NRA From A Guy With A Duffel Bag Of Guns

"Stand and fight." Man, I love that new ad campaign of yours. You guys are saying exactly what needs to be said now. We are under attack, and we need to defend ourselves. In your case, it's about preventing Obama from disarming people and starting his global tyranny. My goals are smaller. I just have to cleanse the demons from this shopping mall food court. But we're both working together.

You know what we are? We're misunderstood heroes. A lot of folks tell you your arguments are part of some kind of paranoid fantasy. That you're not really acting as a check on government power with your opposition to gun control - you're just making people all over this country less safe so you can play soldier in the woods. Yeah, well don't believe them! Dr. Breen says I'm not a Commander of the Knights Templar. My point is that you know in your heart what's true, and you're not going to let people convince you otherwise. No matter what happens on a bunch of news channels.

Our vision of this country is the same: We want a place where we all have rights. Specifically the right to own a pile of military assault weapons without anyone monitoring us so we can train and plan and then secretly block the emergency exits to the building. It's a country where we have the right to fight for our freedoms against all enemies, foreign, domestic... or even the ones that might be imaginary. It's a home where my right to swing my fist ends where your nose, torso, neck, and the back of your head begin. But only after it's all over, because people don't have the right to ask what I do with my guns, or where I'm keeping them, or whether several psychiatrists think I need to be heavily medicated. That's just like what the Nazis did.

You inspire me, NRA! You make everything I do possible. I just want you to know that. And don't worry. I know you have your critics. But there's a whole nation full of people just like me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work before the security guards figure out what I'm doing.

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