Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Message To The Tea Party From A Guy Who Urinated On A Power Line

Believe me, I know what is about to happen to you. You're going to wake up in an ambulance, and they're going to be wrapping your junk in enough gauze to outfit a museum wing of mummies. And why? Because you pushed things too far. Because you thought it would be fun to take a risk. To look tough and fearless. Maybe you had some friends egg you on, you know? Those people at the rallies look like they want you to put on a good show. I get that. Trev wanted me to do eight Jager-stands and climb onto that pole. Trev was nowhere around when the ambulance came and the EMTs couldn't stop laughing.

You guys are going to play at brinkmanship during the next few fiscal crises. The debt ceiling will come up soon, and after that there will be something else. People will push you to show the president that you're willing to go "all the way," whatever that means. For me it means some really painful skin grafts. For you, it's going to mean a political whipping.

Because after you become the guy who burned his genitals peeing on a high-voltage wire... you spend a life widely known as the guy who burned his genitals peeing on a high-voltage wire. And believe me, they'll know. If you force the country into some kind of economic death spin, the president will try to put all the blame on you people. Is that completely fair? Maybe, maybe not. The point is, he'll be out there making speeches and looking serious, and you'll be out there with 80 year-old freaks dressed like Paul Revere, waving automatic rifles and yammering about the gold standard. Folks will figure out who was the grownup and who was the crazy son of a bitch who needs to lose the next three election cycles.

You follow me on this? It's important. Because you my friend, are about to charbroil more than your own testicles.

You're going to charbroil the testicles of an entire nation.

29 comments:

  1. No, won't happen. Government is big and lumbering and moves slowly. I'm an individual and move quickly. I know how to game the system and bend it to my favor. Liberals know how to bitch and moan, but that's about it.

    Rome is falling. I'm going to grab all the things worth keeping that I can because I'm the one who worked and paid for them, not you and your ilk. People are willing to fight and die for freedom. Modern-day liberalism/progressivism isn't freedom, it's slavery to the state.

    Then once Rome falls, I'm going to take out some fontier justice on certain types.

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    1. Maybe the apocalypse will get here. Maybe not. In the meantime, you're not going to win a lot of votes with a pro-apocalypse platform.

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    2. LOL. The Republicans polled miserably during the fiscal crisis for their refusal to raise taxes on the rich, something 3/4 of the nation is in favor of. Last year, they had egg on their face and polled low as well after they got the US degraded because they threatened to default on our loans. Democrats got almost a million and a half more votes for congress than Republicans did in this last election and it's only because of gerrymandering that they're holding on to the House. As we minorities keep growing, that won't help you much in the future. If you want to take out some "fontier" justice, it might help if you can spell it.

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    3. "Fontier" justice. Is that like when you do your stump-broke goats without any KY jelly because they ate your pillow before u woke up?

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    4. Thanks for your input, dipshit.

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    5. "I'm going to grab all the things worth keeping that I can because I'm the one who worked and paid for them...."

      Spoken like a true tea-bagger. What about public schools, roads, parks, police service, fire service, water supply and sewage? Who the hell do you think paid for that?

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    6. we all know teabaggers and republicans aren't willing to die for their freedoms, they push the rest of us into lower financial classes and then into the military and they are the ones who die for their freedoms. And they you insult those same folks who died by claiming falsely that you would die for your freedoms.

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    7. One way to shut down the chicken hawks of the teabagger/geriatric old pathetic party... require that all candidates must serve at least two years before the age of 35 in government service, as determined by random assignment after ASVAB testing. The teabagger norm gets "grunt" training and assignment to the front lines of the wars their daddies took us into.

      Oh, and BTW, Daddy's influence will have no bearing on assignment because from the time they sign up for the testing until their assignments are set, they are known only by an anonymous number, and Daddy's influence can't break the seal on the number system...

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  2. Winning votes?!? You're apparently think Obama actually cares about the country and whether or not it succeeds, but he doesn't. Holy crap, if you've put your faith in Obama, or the Democrats, or liberalism/progressivism, or the anti-American freaks on DU, or OWS, or anything else along that line, then you're looking to make the country into the USA in name only, because it's not what was intended.

    The way to the light is as an individual, not as the collective. If individuals decide to join hands to assist each other in a common goal, that's different. But forced collectivism as the political left would desire? Not worth living in that type of country. You might think you'd like to live that way, but you wouldn't. It's not really freedom.

    Time for Rome to fall. Make take decades, but it's time.

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    1. Okay, I have to ask: What are your preparations for the collapse? What equipment do you actually have to become the warlord of your zipcode?

      And... what kind of frontier justice are we talking about?

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    2. Do not feed the trolls. Just guy flapping lips to inflate his ego! This is the sort of talk people use who when the chips are down and the smelly stuff really does hit the fan completely call for the cops, fire depaartment, an EMs ambulance, and the Girl Scouts to come and sae thir backside as they shot themselves in the foot with that Glock.
      Ignore them.

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    3. It's funny, the people who screamed that Obama was going to be the downfall of America are now demanding the downfall of America.

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  3. That ripping sound you hear is the Teabaggers unzipping their pants.

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  4. "Okay, I have to ask: What are your preparations for the collapse? What equipment do you actually have to become the warlord of your zipcode?"

    I see you don't and can't comprehend. Oh well.

    You and your comrades need to hop off the liberal/progressive state sponsored and enforced collective train now or you'll become its cannon fodder. Pro-Individualism; not collectives.

    Frontier justice is extrajudicial punishment that is motivated by the nonexistence of law and order. It'll happen after Rome falls and will be visited on the liberals/progressives that perverted what the USA was intended to be; a land of freedom, liberty and justice, and not state collectivism. You may not see it, but your dead children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren will. Ah well, you shouldn't have been so stupid and fucked up.

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    1. So... nothing then. A generator? Do you have a generator? I know you'll at least need one of them.

      Also, they always say canned food, but don't forget the hand wipes. Napkins, hand wipes, TP. This is what no one mentions when they talk about surviving the big one. You're going to spend all day shooting looters and eating squirrel carcasses, and you, sir, are going to need some cleaning up. Wipes.

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    2. And don't cheap out on the can opener! If you get one of those supermarket one-dollar jobbies, it will get all warped and dull. Invest money, get yourself to the Target kitchenware aisle, and get yourself something you can use for a year or two. Who knows how long you will be living on your own, fighting the elements and struggling to survive?

      Maybe a deck of cards. Downtime will be a bitch. Cards.

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    3. Our dead children, grandchildren or dead great-grandchildren will see it. Aw, crikey! It's the Zombocalypse!

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  5. I wonder if Super Genius up there at the top realizes that the Fall of Rome wasn't an overnight thing, but a messy, centuries-long process that spawned off the Byzantine Empire and the Holy Roman Empire.

    Also, it led to feudalism, which has the same use for individualism as a fish has for a bicycle.

    Wolverines!

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    Replies
    1. Wolverines, back at you. I think you've now baptized that as a code word for general prepper jackassery.

      I am getting a LOT of angry feedback when I write stuff about gun control and militia hijinks. And it's like the blue meth for me.

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    2. What the tea party types and the preppers miss is that rugged individualism is a crap strategy for survival. Communities, tight-knit but broad based communities survive. It's a basic lesson of history. Every traditional society is a multi-thousand year success story, and what they all have in common is a mechanism for cohesion. It involves restraint on individual behavior and rewards for cooperation and some level of sacrifice in the name of the group.

      The canned food will run out, the bullets will run out, and even the TP will run out, but the community will live on.

      i.e., Wolverines.

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    3. I'd love to take credit for the wolverines bit, but I stole it from the folks over at Balloon Juice, who use it as a prep word for general prepper jackassery.

      And all the angry, frightened reactions really are something to behold.

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    4. Balloon Juice! Of course. Also, your point on the Romans is well-taken. And I always kind of think of the Brits, when I think of what our next move is as a country - dialing down the interventionism and all that. The way these things unfold is complicated, as you indicate.

      MH: Should the Big One befall us you will probably have a 65 year-old Johnny Tremain on your block, who will no doubt injure himself setting up his own front porch punji stake trap. And I fully expect that you will put your disgust aside and give the poor bastard CPR. Will the Palin bumper sticker make it a difficult choice? Perhaps. But offer it up, as my Gram always said. I'm agnostic, so I couldn't tell you to whom. But whatever.

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    5. Well, Mr. Bibeau, I live in Vermont, where the #1 winter sport is not skiing or snowmobiling, it is pulling a neighbors' or strangers' car out of a snow filled ditch. Likewise, this is a place where, while driving, we wave at each other with all our fingers at once, often to motion the other guy to go first. We go to town meeting and are mostly polite and put up with each other. So yeah, no problem on the CPR, or whatever. You shake your head at the bumper sticker, hook the tow strap on, and pull.

      Here's the link troll: http://www.minorheresies.com/posts/2012/5/30/the-real-world.html

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    6. That was a great read! That post said a lot of the things I'm trying to say.

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  6. Hey, I've been using "GO WOLVERINES!" to mock Teabaggers and Teabertarians for many many years now!

    One silly bitch I know (welfare mother in her teens, now about 28, now a full-on Baggerb*tch 'cause she married some Neanderthal Bagger idjit a couple of years ago) makes statements like, "Why should *I* have to pay toward a choo-choo in some filthy city?? **WE** live up in the mountains of Colorado in a village of 200, where the air and water are clean! I don't need anything from anybody. Why do YOU?"

    When winter comes, and her tiny hamlet in Colorado is snowed in, I'll be sure to call the snowplow operator and let them know how she and her "hamlet" feel about Evil Government Interference, like ... snowplows. They'll probably be happy to just stay in and have another cup of coffee.

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    1. You mean, coffee? Or some wild-crafted, indigenous substitute, as we couldn't even have coffee in this country at less than about $20 a cup without government interference. You know, international trade regs, quality oversight to make sure that Amurrkin Coffee didn't substitute the toxic waste-contaminated insect carcasses for the occasional not-too-diseased rodent carcass, those kinds of things?

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    2. I had to comment, it always gets to me how anti-Darwinian these survivalists get when their very existence is so conditioned...

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  7. I wish I could say that I am more entertaining than these people. I mean, it's MY damn blog. But I am not.

    My posts are just the warm-up act for the main event. And that event is "A Cavalcade of Crazy."

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