Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Message From Some Bone Fragments In A Place You've Never Heard Of

Did you see Beyoncé? God, that girl can move it. I'm really happy for her, because I honestly think she has too much talent to get caught up in a lip-syncing scandal. It was nice for her to be able to prove that, you know? I'm not justifying anything. But we all make mistakes. Anyway, I thought it was a great show. A really good time for you people to come together.

What about that Ann Coulter? She is awful. When someone says something really hateful about her, I start feeling sorry, and then I just think about everything she's done to bring it on herself. I know she doesn't believe all the horrible things she says. But that makes it worse. The Republicans need to ditch people like her if they're going to stay relevant. They have a hard fight ahead. Especially when people start talking about immigration, which is...

Me? Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just a few pieces of skull. I think there's a bit of tibia over there by the scorch marks, but I can't be certain. You don't know my name. You don't know how old I am. You don't know where this happened. Why start asking questions now? You have other issues after all, what with your economy, and the gun control thing, and all those episodes of House of Cards you haven't gotten to. Besides, it just doesn't make sense to talk about this stuff. If you're a Republican, you sound like a hypocritical tool, and if you're a Democrat, you sound like you're criticizing the guy you support. And if you're some third party whack-job nobody listens to you anyway. Go hand out pamphlets near the library, chump.

 I will say this, and then we'll move on: Somebody knows my name. There are people out there who are crying and enraged, and they don't care what your reasons were. God, what if I were a kid? Ugh. That's just wrong. Anyway, they're probably putting it on some crap-bag TV channel in a country whose name you can't pronounce. There are probably plenty of people who are going to remember this for a long time. They will make a plan.

That's, of course, what happens. You guys do something, and then just walk away, and they don't even teach it in your schools. The administration's drone program is a kind of anti-education initiative. A way of keeping you from learning your own history. Believe me, it's been done before. So it's left to the locals in a thousand foreign places to keep the record. To keep score.

Then one bright, beautiful morning, you'll learn who I was.

But that will be kind of exciting for most of you, right? You'll all unite as a nation or somesuch, and you'll see what heroes your firefighters are, and your police. And your EMTs. And there's going to be a concert. A concert! You can see it all, can't you? Best not to dwell.

Does Boehner look less orangey, or is it just me? I can't tell anymore.

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