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Sunday, February 17, 2013
A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit
I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.
Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.
This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser Söze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.
Defender of the indefensible Peggy Noonan worries that Cardinal Roger Mahony will be voting, because he's done all the things you'd expect from a guy in his line of work. But he'd join a long procession of disgrace: the Dean of the College has his own experience trying to hide abuse cases. And so have other Cardinals. Some have tried to pin the blame on gay people, but I'm not buying it. I'm the Holy Spirit, okay? I know things. And there are plenty of other horror stories. One Cardinal defended Catholic officials in Brazil when they excommunicated doctors who performed an abortion on a nine year-old girl, who'd allegedly been raped by her stepfather. She had twins, and the doctors were concerned that her small body couldn't accommodate one fetus, let alone two. It didn't matter.
I could go on, but why bother? You have proven repeatedly that you're willing to enforce your extremist laws on everyone but yourselves. For you there are always excuses, loopholes, and chances to sit out the scandal. Everyone knows this. Because of you, there are now two kinds of Catholics: People who take Rome seriously and people who are paying attention. I've got better things to do than put a stamp on whatever rightwing gargoyle you're going to pick.
In fact, if I'm going to use any of my influence it'll be to remind the good, decent Catholics of what they already know. That the only moral response to you is rebellion. If they take me seriously, and some of them still do, I'm telling them to oppose your terrible nonsense. They need to fight back, and maybe finally walk across the street and join a church that doesn't run afoul of the RICO Act.
Okay, enough. You people exhaust me. I've got a couple of next year's Grammy winners to crap out, and then it's back to bed.