Thursday, February 21, 2013

A Message To John Boehner From Willy Wonka

Come back, man. Come back to the factory. You've done everything you could. But it's time to admit it's over.

We haven't always agreed, but I supported you when you decided to go into politics. I was thrilled and very proud when you became Speaker - you know that. And I'll be honest, a guy with my workplace safety record is never going to be a real fan of regulation. We always saw eye to eye on that, Johnnie! Heh.

But the point is, you wanted to go to Washington to accomplish something. And that's not going to happen. You are setting yourself up for failure, my friend. Remember that guy who fell into the Crumbler before it finished cycling? That's what the GOP is looking like these days.  And you're all mixed up in it.

In order to compete against the president, you have to convince the American people that your side is the reasonable, responsible one. And you have to do it right when those Tea Party hacks are showing dummied-up pictures of Karl Rove as a Nazi war criminal. You've got leaders at the local level posting racist nonsense on the web, Colin Powell publicly slamming you guys for intolerance, and the state organizations are trying out schemes for straight-up voter suppression. So you have to corral the freaks in your own House, and you have to pretend you're all just a bunch of normal folks who happen to like limited government because you want to grow the economy and fight for the little guy, and all the rest of that Reagan-Democrat argle bargle.

It's the wrong time to sell that hair tonic, John. You look foolish. Remember that bizarre gulp of water Rubio pulled? It was the only honest part of his entire speech. The man really seemed thirsty, and folks believed him. You'll never get another moment of credibility like that.

You are putting yourself in the position of trying to be the sanest guy in the lunatic asylum. Maybe you'll succeed. But that doesn't mean people will let you walk the streets, know what I'm saying? What you're doing is thankless.

Let it go. Step out, walk away - let the bastards torch their own party - and stop trying to defend them. Come home.

I'll give you your old job. I'll even make you the Manager of Nougat. You always liked nougat, John. Right now, you're just dealing with nuts.


  1. What? No reference to his oompa-loompa orange glow? Loved it.

    1. I actually preferred that the reference to his glow was implied but never stated. It's such an easy joke to make, but by making the easy joke the context in which the rest of the post is written, one can focus more on the tear-down of the stupid politics.

    2. That's kind of what I was thinking. The only territory I could explore was to actually elaborate on what his relationship with his old boss at the company would have been like, and then use that to make points on the politics.

      Oh God, I've killed it.


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