Monday, February 18, 2013

A Message To Mark Sanford From God

Markie. Caught the campaign ad the other day. I wish you would have asked Me about it first... because I'm not going to support you. I figured you'd want to know as soon as possible. Take the thing down before you embarrass yourself.

You're right about Me - I am definitely the God of second chances. But - and there's no nice way to put this - you are way, way past second.

Let's have a quick tally.

Actual Commandments you've broken:
Adultery, several counts of bearing false witness, and misuse of public funds, which counts as stealing. That's three right there, okay?

Then the rules Jesus added in the Sermon on the Mount about lust in your heart and swapping your spouse for a new model. You broke those too. Please go ahead and read that whole thing again.

Anyway, this brings us to...
6. Humiliating your wife by cheating on her in the most public way possible.

And of course proving that you are hypocritical garbage by...
7. Voting to impeach Bill Clinton and telling CNN in 1999, "The issue of lying is probably the biggest harm, if you will, to the system of democratic government, representative government, because it undermines trust. And if you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything."

8. Opposing gay marriage, and even civil unions, and voting against gay adoption in Congress. I should count that as more than one thing, but let's just keep moving.

9. You announced in 2009 that your political career was over. That's more a broken promise than a lie. But when you said it, you added this: "This is truly not about Mark Sanford anymore.'' And that was definitely a lie. A whopper, Mark. You've never felt that sentiment in your entire narcissistic life.

10. Your apology was an act of depravity in itself. Especially when you said this: 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching on that front and what I find interesting is the story of David. And the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very, very significant ways, but then picked up the pieces and built from there. And it all really began with the larger quest that I think is well expressed in the Book of Psalms and the notion of humility. Humility toward others, humility in one's own spirit.

You were actually comparing yourself to King David, and then finding a way to brag about your own humility, all while supposedly telling people you were sorry. That was the kind of hubris that begs for an old-time lightning bolt. I've sat through more kings, popes, and Caesars than I really want to dwell on, but man, did that make me feel smitey.

11. And now you're trying to be a Republican officeholder again. Yes, that counts. Have you realized how awful you people are? Of course you haven't. Because you're exactly the kind of guy your party keeps electing again and again.

I'm far from the end of the list, but I'm going to stop, or I might make you have an aneurysm right now. Listen, I'm in favor of you trying to turn yourself around. I mean it. But I will not support you as a candidate. You've ruined enough lives. The only thing you're good for is embarrassing the kind of people who'll vote for you. Right now the GOP is depending for its survival on people who blow their thumbs off in firework accidents. And they're out there, believe me. Rick Perry knows all about getting that group. But there's a limit to what I'll inflict on them.

Try journalism or porn or something. There's a place for you, Mark. But you shouldn't have power. I'm willing to forgive you. But I'm not a chump.

(Special thanks to CC)


  1. I lived with this guy as governor for 8 years, and I'm honestly considering voting for him in the primary just because he might be beatable in the general. We might have a chance this time.

  2. Brilliant, and completely fantastic letter. Perhaps newspaper publication?


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