Monday, February 11, 2013

"Don't Believe HR About Why I Left" By Pope Benedict

Many of you showed up at work to find His Holiness's desk already cleaned out. He just emailed me this message explaining what happened:

Hey everybody. I wanted to send this to clear the air and let you know what happened. You deserve the truth. I want to make sure you don't believe any memo HR sends around about how I reached some kind of "mutual agreement" with management, and we both decided to part ways. We've all seen those things before, and we all know they're bullshit. Remember Trish? Jesus, they were saying how she just wanted to spend more time with her kids, but we all saw her after the Christmas party, and she was crying about it. I don't think we're going to forget that.

I just don't want anyone to believe I'd leave you hanging there for the rush that's going to happen on Ash Wednesday. You know, I'd be pitching in for that, so Steve and Marco wouldn't have to pull any of those all-nighters, right? You guys are my bros, and you've got to promise me we're still going to tear it up this summer at Killigan's.

The fact is I didn't make my quota for last month. That's what Trev said anyway. Many of you already know what I think of those quotas - you remember what I said to Don at Regional last spring about it, right? You know I had him. He simply could not answer me about it, and that's why he just changed the subject. It was clear that many of you agreed with me. None of it is fair. They can not expect us to meet quota every month, and then at the same time ask us to hit all the Leadership Goals. Masses, Confessions, Chanting - you people know I am a machine with that stuff. I don't want to brag or anything, but you don't get Pope of the Month three times in a row by sitting on your butt playing Farmville!

We all know corporate put us on this system so they don't have to hire new staff. And we all know we desperately need the staff. I worked as hard as I could, but in the end there was too much drama and politics (and you know who I'm talking about, Stacy).

Anyway, good luck with the conclave. Shelley, I love you girl, and it's been great sharing a cubicle with you. I really mean that. If you could get my mug back I'd appreciate it. But don't worry about it. Okay, so... Here's what I really want to say:

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time...
It's something unpredictable but in the end, it's right
I hope you've had the time of your life.


Peace,
B

(Photo by Mangouste35. Used under Creative Commons license. Information
here.)

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