We have a plan to fix almost everything, okay? We've taken out our most obnoxious members. We'll control who gets the big money to run for office, and we're going to keep hiding the people who actually donate it. You already know about Fox News getting Frank Luntz on the air to coach us about how to use completely different words for everything we need to say. You see the game? Republicans are going to win with a strategy of completely concealing who we are, what we want, and everyone who supports us. Nothing, absolutely nothing, gets out.
But I'm going to need your help. You, the millions of people out there who still vote Republican. You need to shut the fuck up now.
Because it's no problem to stuff a candidate into a storage locker and give his groin electrical shocks until he stops making rape-baby comments. I can do that, okay? I can make sure every Republican politician is saying safe, vanilla things about marriage equality, so no one knows how much of a whack-job he is.
But I can't stop Republicans, ordinary Republicans, from talking. And as long as you bastards keep talking, people out there are going to continue to have a clear idea of what the Republican party is.
You see how that works? You see how you're ruining it for us?
If you're a 22 year-old who just read Atlas Shrugged, you need to stop blogging about it. If you're a middle-aged white dude who only communicates with his estranged children through racist chain emails, you must promise never to hit the send button again. You need to stop talking about your AR-15, and you need to stop showing up at the Wal-Mart in full camo.
You're a business owner, maybe, and you're kind of pissed about Obama? Take the bumper stickers off your car, and no more sharing in the employee break room. And no goddamn talking about the Rapture ever, ever again.
Are we clear? Because if you don't listen to me, the only places we'll be competitive are districts composed solely of people who plan to shoot someone within the next 30 minutes and actual Confederate veterans. Mostly northern Florida I guess.
You are the face of the GOP, and right now we really, really need to hide that face. Because Michele Bachmann isn't the only problem here. It's that everyone in America knows someone exactly like her. And they realize all those Michele Bachmann clones vote, which drives them to the polls. And we lose.
Quiet down, you freaks. Give me a couple billion and another election cycle, and then I promise you, you'll all be able to come out and play.